I am too far into Gnosticism to back out. The idea of Jesus opening Adam's eyes and bringing him to consciousness, the re-linking to the lost primordial state through the Gnosis, the unflinching facing of evil in the world and knowing it cannot have come from [the Good] God - and the salvidor salvandus - man as a cut off part of the Godhead.
Thinking back over my life I can see that I have survived many troubles - I look at the copies of the Ballantine "Scanner" and I can see what I have done to transmute those terrible days into something worthwhile, lasting, good, even important (ie meaningful). This is what God does; this is his strange mystery: how he accomplishes this. When we view the evil (which he is going to transmute) we can't see for the life of us how we can do it - But later on, and only later on, after it's done, can we see how he has used evil as the clay out of which he as potter has fashioned the pot (universe viewed as artifact).
What I notice is how many people wish me well. Look at what John Ross, a stranger, said. Look at what Jeter said about me having served, done my duty, and now can pass on into the reward waiting for me - he said, even, that they'd applaud me. I still don't know what I did in 3-74 re the Xerox missive, but what I did was what I was sent here to do from the start, and I did it right; as Jeter put it, "they tell you how, when and where to throw the spear, but you must throw it."
I am really very happy. Snuff, music and cats, friends and my exegesis, my studying and gradually more and more understanding my Gnosis, when in 3-74 the savior woke me to full consciousness, for the first time in my life and refound myself, knew who and what I was, remembered my celestial origin, was restored to what I had been before the fall. And saw the prison we are in, and knew I had done right