Exegesis II

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But it is amazing, the amount of substructure of reasoning which would have to go into this repudiation --successfully-- of the world thus exposing the divine. One would have to separate god the creator from God the True Father. As long as God is assumed to be creator, one could not conceptually divide him from the world, and thus affirm him in the act of denying the world. This is why all natural theology has failed. God cannot be discerned from nature; the argument from design back to designer is specious. What I saw that I term VALIS or Zebra must then not have been immanent deity at all, but, as I later realized, a mimicking entity not rising up from within but descending into objects and processes from above or, better, outside. It had, so to speak, landed here. As with Runciter's words in UBIK, it was penetrating through from --this is best formulation of all: from behind. Reality is constructed like a ham sandwich: man is one slice of the bread, then comes the slice of ham which is the world, then the second slice of bread which is God. The words in UBIK pierced or filtered through from the other slice, through *to man, to us, the this slice. It's funny that I could read the E of Philo about the world being "an alienating, divisive agency that separates man from God" and not instantly perceive the value --perhaps the ultimate value-- of my writing & its preoccupation. In point of fact, such novels as UBIK, MAZE, STIGMATA, etc., tend to dissolve away the world -- and, if the Gnostics' 3-elements situation-view is a correct view, God should be reunited with us thereby.

Now the incredible accuracy of UBIK can be appreciated. The world is not merely counterfeit (as in STIGMATA and all the others)x; there is more: it is counterfeit, but under it lies another world, and it is this other world, this Logos world, which filters or breaks through. UBIK, then, is a step up from MAZE and STIGMATA is presenting this. It presents a triune situation, which evidently is the actual one, whereas the other novels & stories present only the aspect of world as hallucination, without disclosing that another, actual one lies beyond, below or beneath.* It is God who, as the far bread slice, takes the initiative toward us, as Runciter does toward Joe Chip and the other inertials. This is what I saw in (3-74), when, under the power of the Holy Spirit, I read the dream section in TEARS and found a latent or crypte message embedded in the text. My experience and view, then, are not only Gnostic but what is more tend to prove the correctness of the triune Gnostic division, in particular their view of the world as alienating and divisive between man and God (Joe Chip & Runciter). Had the Gnostic view been wrong, when I "abolished" the world (suddenly withdrew assent from it) I would have exposed nothing, no sublime, sacred, divine reality beyond; a religious experience would have turned out to be nothing but a psychotic break.

Were the Gnostic triune division wrong, my writing would serve a malign, sick purpose: leading the reader away from reality and toward autism. But the Gnostic triune division is correct; otherwise I could not, would not, have had my 2-74 and 3-74 et al experiences. As the

*This is incorrect. MAZE shows another, actual reality lying below the hallucinated one, but it wrongly shows it as bad. It is this world which is bad, is the prison; beyond or below it lies the divine. In fact there seem to be 3 levels: hallucinated good; prison below, which is real, but not the final layer, and then the wonderous divine ground of being below.

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--10-

which in pulling apart consign some of us to one, some of us to another. In that case the Great Assize is taking place or will be; probably has already begun. This brings me to my theory of orthogonal time as I discussed it in my Metz speech. What normally are post partem experiences happened to me in (3-74), lasting almost a year. As soon as you have anyone, even one single person, experiencing post partem reality before death you know, you can be positive, that the eschotological fulfillment Parousia has begun; the Apocalypse is here indeed: Christ said that the Kingdom would begin, like a mustard seed, as very small; it would enter the world virtually unnoticed, and then grow to infinite size ("until birds can roost in it"). The mystery and miracle of that kingdom, beginning as the smallest of the small but stealthily growing -- where? Among us? In us? In this world but not part of this world -- it is still a mystery to me, bringing me to the point I made in a previous note, that we must deal at least with something which simultaneously is and is not. The Parousia has come and yet it has not come; I must realize that. Only the vigilant will see it -- do see it. I saw it. I am a witness to it, as I am a witness to the reality of the Holy Spirit and the Cosmic Christ and to God's intervention in history. These 10 pages of notes return me finally to my first sentence: I see that by seizing me the Holy Spirit caused a playing out to the end, for me, of linear time, so that for me the End Days came, and all the events (including the Great Assize) took place during my lifetime. If it could not occur during my lifetime, and when I saw the golden fish I knew that this was really apostolic times, AD 70 not AD 1974 -- the prophecy, "Some of you will still be alive when the Kingdom comes, when Christ returns" -- that promise has proved true. I am still alive, and witnessed --experienced-- it. Other people did not. But they do not remember; I experienced anamnesis, the necessary condition for experiencing the reality of the Kingdom. Anamnesis and salvific knowledge are one and the same: what is remembered is our divine origin, and what is comprehended is that we will return to our lost home, as part of the True Vine.

As time passes I tend to evaluate the perception of Zebra as the greatest miracle of all, overshadowing the gnosis -- which is to say: the perception of the actual Presence of the Deity must of necessity impinge above all that is merely understood or known. "Oh, that I might come before His presence," to quote from "Elijah." Jesus said, "No one has seen the Father but me." He did not say that no one would ever see God. If indeed what I call VALIS or Zebra is God, then -- as in the dream in TEARS the barrier between realities has been shattered and the godless cosmos has been invaded (as Palmer Eldritch invaded Earth both externally, in others, and internally as well) -- the cosmos which I deem to have been built by a sick god and to have lacked the Real presence -- that cosmos, as in STIGMATA, has been transubstantiated. The entire world is now what is called the Temple, which means all of us and each of us. And our world has been replaced by the One saying of HImself, "I am He Who causes to be." It is accomplished. Or begun.

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successful of the mystery religions" - + VALIS - God - did break the power of the spatiotemporal world over me, I mean astral determinism or Fate or Heimarmene or Karma or the sublunar realm or the planetary powers or the old law or DNA programming - this fired futilely into empty (non) time-+- space. This event, as Eliade points out, is trans-cultural + trans-doctrinal. All you really need to know is: 1) Lower realm (spatiotemporality) [Note A] 2) Upper realm (above space + time) 3) Vertical axis leading from (1) to (2). I.e. the universe of the shamans. This is e.g. what the Eucharist is supposed to do (v. the E.B.macro article on time).

[Note A] + when this goes, so also goes causation. My 5 or 6 realm hierarchy is correct, but - is it Gnostic? No, it is Neo-Platonism because it has to do with (1) essence vs accidents; (2) the Form realm; (3) the supra-spatiotemporal; (4) the One. There is no suggestion of acosmism. Or of an evil demiurge. Oh yes there is a suggestion of Gnosticism: the Fremdheit of the spatiotemporal world -Geworfenheit- + the familiarity of the restoration-state: + the salvator salvandus. + Heidegger's Ur-Angst. + the dialectic is the war between God + the world (demiurge who

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said to exist in eternity because that is how such vast space-time would seem to us. Also (+ this must not be forgotten) one archetypal situation (drama) is timelessly performed (or, to use our Realm #4 term, reperformed). The xerox missive must have been -or at least seemed to me to be at the time- part of the (or a) illo tempore reperformance. The letter in "The Hymn of the Pearl"? Olive Holt = my [ideological/identity] parent[s]. Hence I came to my true self Thomas, because my relationship to my parents is one of repudiation + rebellion: antagonism. + specifically disobedience; refusal to do what I'm told to do (I was told to answer the xerox missive). (More precisely: Mother - Bad. Father - Good. Olive Holt = Mother.) (This dichotomy shows up in my two source cosmogony in "Valis".) So I ceased to be schizophrenic in 2-74, as I pondered in the Platt interview. But here by "schizophrenia" I mean a ubiquitous impairment, "the sinking of the soul". No wonder my breakthrough recently that led to these conclusions had to do with perception of a metastructure of which we normally see only the discrete components! (Since it all has to do with abstracting.) The occlusion that I first detected in 1971 is real + it is ubiquitous.

[illustration presented below in text form

small limited..vast space +.....abstract -.....The One: space + time...time: eternity...no space-time..the void- so Realm 4........Realm 3..........Realm 2........something ...............................................like space ..............................................Realm 1

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[illustration presented below in text form]

A) USA 1974 / accidents I---- Acts AD 45 essence Wrong, leads to the peculiar idea that it is really AD 45 Rome. But the correct view: B) USA 1974 / accidents AD 45 / accidents I I essence leads to Plato's universals + anamnesis by which, as he says, the universals are "recovered". This is the true case; I performed a sort of meta-abstracting in 2-74 when I realized this diagram; this is what I realized, not (A), as I have thought for 6 1/2 years. But the "He causes things to ..." statement indicated that realm #3 is real (morphological arrangement) + the spatiotemporal with its mere accidents is not. Two space-time continua based on the same universal are that universal when superimposed. Simple reincarnation would not explain why I saw Acts as being here. "The space-time continua with the same Essence are not just tangent: they coincide [in terms of morphological arrangement]." + this is the arrangement (not spatiotemporal) that Nous (Valis) employs. You are seeing the world-order the way Nous sees it. This opens up a vast meta-life to you; you have lived at many times + places but it is all one life + one way of being in the world. No wonder when the xerox missive came I felt as if it had all happened before - but this time it came out differently. You are not doomed to repeat mechanically the same motions + fall victim to the same Nemesis once again; through anamnesis what you have learned accrues + this is of supreme importance; this this accrual Fate is broken: other subselves or perhaps your

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The knowledge about the Xerox missive devolves directly out of the supratemporal template of the Black Iron Prison against which I am timelessly pitted. It is knowledge derived -- derived from that realm, due to the existence of that essence realm and my access to it. Thomas knew then, knows now and will know later who sent the Xerox missive; he told me the source, recently. Words such as past, present and future have no meaning for the BIP template and Thomas. This is why the Xerox missive threat-puzzle shows up in "Faith Of" and PENULTIMATE TRUTH. It is not from a future self; it is from the essence realm and probably myself as Thomas in the essence realm. So I was not doomed to the limitations of the spatiotemporal realm at the time of that threat-puzzle. I saw it under the aspect of eternity and so knew what it was. That is why I knew it was coming -- in fact the exact day it would come. I feel certain, absolutely certain, that my anamnesis the month before had this specific problem-solving as its goal; my meta-abstracting was goal-oriented ... it was planned; it wasn't an accident. Also it had to do with the meta-morpheme in TEARS, which is a constituent of the information basis of the morphologically-arranged realm.

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Now consider STIGMATA -- which was based on my actually seeing that visage in the sky as the cosmic lord of this world. The master magician, identified with YHWH, whose world isn't real at all; shades of Gnosticism! Is this the real basis of Gnostic acosmism, the presence of the Palmer Eldritch magician-figure and his irreal world that replaces the real one? The master magician of STIGMATA and his irreal hallucinogenic worlds; the messages in UBIK getting through to you from the real world; the polyencephalic fusion of MAZE; the mockup at a different time in JOINT; the private worlds of EYE; the Acts material in TEARS, and the forced labor camps -- and you add the stories such as "Faith of ... " The .618034 doorway. Was that to the real world? It seemed to show ancient Greece on the far side; i.e. the actual present. The Greco-Roman Mediterranian world. My last glimpse as it moved away; no: as I fell back into this subrealm of hyperflux. So this is Satan's world (as in VALIS) and Christ/Valis/YHWH invades it. This is why realm #3 is exploded through thousands of years of our time. Realm #3 is the real world. So a message there that is intact is exploded here through thousands of our dilated time years. Like the meta-morpheme in TEARS -- one morpheme in a message. I see. A message is transmitted from the real world (realm #3) to our world. In realm #3 the real world it takes a minute. Here, it spans 2000 years. Look at the communications problem. Whole civilizations rise and fall while they --in realm #3-- transmit one message to us. The message is exploded over the span of two thousand of our years so although they're aware of us, how can they communicate with us? This is dealt with in Varley's story. But incorrectly! They'd have to speed up a message so that the total message was transmitted in a billionth of a second by their real elapsed time. Maybe that's how the AI voice works. All its messages to me were transmitted in a single billionth of a second and arrive spread out over years. Now I'm getting fanciful. But still - They would try to ride and cook our communications media in an effort to communicate with us, reach us. And of course they'd be communicating in Greek, Latin, Hebrew. Hebrew! Maybe we're real small; space there is enormous compared to ours. They would put a probe of some kind through. Valis. Perturb our reality field.

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This doesn't fit Christianity at all, even Gnosticism. Then VALIS alludes to a vast mystery understood by the Orphics, Plato, Plotinus and Pythagoras; but no one knows about it now. Jane Harrison's book makes clear that Orphism was a conscious effort to get you up out of realm #4 and back to a unitary soul as eidos in realm #3, and this carries over into Platonism ... but what a dreadful secret lies here, one I am just beginning to glimpse. And what dimensions salvation has! For you to be unified again ... could Jesus have known about this? There is no indication of it. I see; the One became Nous; unity was lost; with each lower realm came more multiplicity, and here we are, splintered into a thousand fragments in this spatiotemporal, atomized realm; not just the realm atomized but each of our souls. What a fate. Gnosis or a savior is needed, or both; this is a dreadful condition; the Judo-Christian theme of the Fall underestimates its dreadfulness. Not just the Godhead fell into plurality (sparks) but each individual soul did, too. So Thomas was another portion of me, of my soul, rejoining the part that PKD is; two parts --did this comprise a whole, a totality? Or are there other parts still missing? And the AI voice; is that my unitary intact soul in realm #3? I think so. The Gnostics are right; our primordial mistake was to take the spatiotemporal world as real. That's it. The Fall lay there. It was an intellectual error and I reversed it in 2-3-74; this is what 2-3-74 consisted of; I no longer took it as real. Hence my ten volume meta novel is on the right path.

10-22-80

As of late last night my emotions (affective self) moved into synch with my intellect (as engaged in this exegesis), and the result was that I surveyed a world-picture of such bleakness that it was for a time beyond my capacity to bear. I saw and understood suffering, not just intellectually, not just emotionally, but fully, with complete comprehension. Today I have thought about it, and the only attitude that can or should be brought to bear is a stoic one, in fact a heroic one, a facing of this bleakness unflinchingly, with no attempt to flee from it as a vision or existentionally, as a way of being in the world. It is a view of the weary wheel of Buddhism; it is the Buddha's view of absolute suffering and the need not to be reborn, to get off the

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Now the significance of my "heimarmene" being abolished in 3-74 via-a-vis the Xerox missive can be appreciated; it represented the entire weight of the spatiotemporal domain, expressed as determinism. As fate and causal law. It is the rule of this realm per se; in fact in a sense it is this realm. This is what this realm does to you when you fall under its tyrannical power, even though it is irreal. So the tyranny is ultimately the tyranny of delusion, which is expressed in two ways: as karma and as maya. Now the results of not recognizing "Tat tvam asi" seem actually sinister, since you literally are other life forms, other humans and other creatures; you as primordial soul are splintered, exploded, over thousands of years and thousands of miles. "Tat tvam asi" is not a luxury for the languid philosopher or the special mystic; it is essential in the reversal of a primordial fall (our taking the spatiotemporal realm as real). (Hence falling under its rule, Fate, karma, heimarmene, astral determinism, planetary influences, the Law, etc.) The call by Sankara is imperitive. What must be recognized is a literal fact. All the horrors of Gnostic Fremdheit, Geworfenheit, of alienation and -- the prison most of all, and by delusion (maya). Now I must again consider "He causes things to look different so it'd appear time has passed." This implies an adversary, a deliberate deluding power to which we have fallen victim (as in Zoroastrianism). On the other hand, "The secret stolen, in one's hands..." that implies a divine Savior who performed this act for our benefit. Otherwise the secret stolen would not be in "one's hands," i.e. ours. The first sentence is ominous. It means that the deluding power of the spatiotemporal realm is deliberately maintained over us, by a kind of magician; this fits the dualistic religions, not Brahmanism or Buddhism; it is very pessimistic and sinister. No wonder I saw the dialectic; it is these two powers -- entities -- contending: the Liar (deluder) and the Savior. The spatiotemporal realm was for the purpose of ensnaring us (this is Gnosticism and Mani). But clearly the AI voice has ratified the vision of the dialectic; these two sentences point first to a cosmic Deluder, the other later sentence to a divine Savior who has stolen the secret -- which I suppose is the Gnosis, which is to say a revelation of the truth of our situation ...why, it was what Valis revealed to me noetically in 3-74; and Valis is that Savior! It was precisely what was revealed to me; I ask, "What is the secret that was stolen?" and the answer is, "A

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to what happened in 3-74: the regulation of the Yin and the Yang, i.e. the dialectic, by the Tao; the Tao asserting itself as master of the dialectic that makes up our world-order of flux and strife ("The Tao is what lets in first the light, then the dark" -- This has always stuck in my mind as the basic definition of the Tao). And this has to do with advanced physics; so Warrick is right about Valis and 3-74. Sentient physics. But also: Valis was my splintered self "imploding" back together, the pieces that had exploded over space and time reversing their direction in enantiodromia and re-collecting to form their original unity. Of this I am absolutely certain; but look: this, too, could be an example of an event of higher physics! (This is why time seemed to flow backward; and forward-moving time had exploded my self over thousands of years and miles.) This is why I had the distinct and indubitable impression that my own earlier thought-contents were coming back to me in the form of world -- e.g. UBIK and "Faith of..." etc. World was familiar to me as my own earlier mind. I never could explain this until now. It was (I see now) the re-collecing of my own splintered self as if time were running backward, turning an explosion into an implosion. So beyond doubt enantiodromia and other higher laws of physics perceived by the Taoist and Greek naturalists (pre-Socratics) were involved! I see! The normal process of self-splintering was reversed. And this reunification of self involved thousands of years and thousands of miles -- over which it had initially exploded, due to the nature --condition-- of self in this flux realm (space-time realm). This is a great realization, confirming intimations I've had since 3-74 but never could explain. Now I am totally convinced that Taoist, pre-Socratic and quantum mechanics theory is involved. And the key is: enantiodromia and Heraclitus especially. This can be tied in with cosmic oscillations as in "I am the breath of my creator and as he exhales and inhales I live." Enantiodromia/palintropos harmonie. The first space-time thing that returned to me was my most recent book, TEARS, and the world (Acts) in it where the main part of my Self had been exploded to. Then later came UBIK. The above paragraph is the most important realization of my six and a half years of exegesis. Out of this, as the Taoist alchemists knew, comes longer life (immortality) and health; it is embryonic breathing (v. supra). Because

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in his "Ode." I must face it: my ancient missing Soul --because that is what I had lost (and I'm sure Eliade would agree; it was my Soul)-- came from God and Christ; the Christian "magic" is true; Christ is real, and my missing soul remembered God and Christ and all the sacraments, as if it had come freshly from the Pleroma... which I think it had. This may be the bottom line of the what, even though Neo-Platonism and Platonism is the how. It was born --incarnated-- in me exactly as a Soul is born --reincarnated-- in a newborn baby; except that I was full-grown. This is literally being "born again." What the Christians don't know or don't say is that metapsychosis is true, that a Soul can enter a fullgrown body as well as that of a fetus (but this is extraordinarily rare; and the key to it is that the Soul is the person's own, which he lost in the Fall, in primordial times; it is himself returning; the explosion and splintering involved in the Fall is reversed; that is why this particular Soul seeks him out; but none of these things are known or told by the Christians regarding being "born again" or "born in the Spirit" or "born from above"). (It is important to realize: this being born again restores the original intact wholeness and unity lost in the primordial fall that occurred before the person's lifetime.) So when a baby is born it remembers its former life, as Thomas did, but the brain is underdeveloped and the baby forgets before it can speak about such things, before it can communicate to others the details of its former life... this is what Wordsworth so perfectly captures in his "Ode." The Cosmic Christ is so-to-speak the father at this event (I mean the second birth); and the person involved, who receives the Soul, is in a very real sense the mother; this is why I felt myself to be female, and thought of interspecies symbiosis. I should say here that once again I am brought back to the very real possibility that Valis was the Cosmic Christ; he acted in his role as High Priest at what is the ultimate sacrament of Christianity: the second birth or birth from above or birth by/in the Spirit. The restoration of intactness, the return of the lost Soul. This is what it was for PKD, but for Thomas it was resurrection --in the flesh-- and immortality; this is the Christian "magic" or technology: utilizing Plato's anamnesis deliberately, availing themselves of a calculatedly-engrammed disinhibiting sign (signal). Hence it is proper to speak of Christianity as a mystery religion, like Orphism.

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I cannot say that I have found moksa, enlightenment. I do not understand what I saw and what happened in 2-3-74. Something helped me. Who? Oddly, although I don't know who I do know why (since the AI voice told me that). I chased after reality, and how far did I actually get? "Ti to on?" the pre-Socratics asked. Perhaps it is the wrong question. An odd thought came to me. I end my exegesis with something --what I call a surd because that is what it is-- that can't be fitted into an otherwise satisfactory system. This one thing is simple. No elaboration of it seems possible, no implications extracted and elaborated. It makes me think of Dante's semplice lume. And my exploded morphological structure reminds me of Dante's description of God as the Book of the Universe whose pages are scattered throughout the universe. I beheld leaves within the unfathomed blaze Into one volume bound by love, the same That the universe holds scattered through its maze. Substance and accidents and their modes became As if together fused, all in such wise That what I speak of is one simple flame.

11-2-80

About all I can see clearly is that 3-74 was a heroic act that consisted of the overcoming of fate. "We can be heroes for just one day," to quote Bowie. It all has to do with waking up long enough to perform one action, to make one change, before you sink back down into sleep, before you again forget. One change (in the programming?) is enough; it is decisive. Where are we? Is this like UBIK or MAZE or STIGMATA? The AI voice speaks from outside; we are inside. Anyhow: In my notes last night I defined the purpose underlying all religions as: freeing the person from the tyrannical rule of the world (called variously heimarmene, astral determinism, karma, fate, DNA programming, the planetary powers and the Law). What possibly, then, could serve this purpose better than Plato's anamnesis, in which the reality of the universals (eide) is realized, and the mere seeming of the spatiotemporal world, it being only accidents. This realization achieved through anamnesis only --it can come in no other way by no other means--permits the heroic deed described above,

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He has a sudden, unexpected advantage over Fate: he has recognized it for what it really is + because of this recognition + because of what it really is, he has decisive power over it. Their relative positions of power are now reversed, if he will only act. This is a Faustian conception of man, + a reinterpretation of the true purpose of religion: to provide one with this decisive power (i.e. to save or extricate or free or enlighten or awaken or cause a rebirth, etc.; the phrasing varies) over Fate or the world or death. (Or sin etc.) (Or Satan.) In my formulation Xtian salvation, Sankara's "Tat tvam asi" + Buddhist Moksa + release from the wheel, + Gnostic triumph over heimarmene, the same with the mystery religions - all are implied - it underlies them all. Since each person has only one Fate, this moment comes once + once only in a lifetime. He must act or die. + if he listens in the silence of the night he will hear the voice of his own heroic self, his own pure intelligence, speaking to him, telling him what is the true state of things, since his heroic self pitilessly sees things as they

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the future had broken in moving retrograde in time. This "future breaking in" is: real time! Due to the destroying of the supremecy of the past (prior thought-formations as world). Once these prior thought-formations' power over you (heimarmene or fate or world rule or astral determinism) you can see (?) (experience) the Tao: the reality as it is without the prior thought-formations. You can see the tug by the Tao (matrix containing the eide) on reality-as-a-field. So this in no way is solipsism. The prior thought-formations that you project + that come back to you as world come betwen - stand between - you + the Tao (+ the eide or, as I call it, macrometasomakosmos). So I have been right all these years: a god deal of your reality is projected from/by your own mind, but it is projected onto eternal eide, a living structure or kosmos contained in the Tao but not the Tao; the structure of eide are in the Tao but aren't the Tao.

[Illustration presented below in text format]

Percipient --- prior thought..... eide or ... Tao Participant -- formations ------- metasoma ---- ___________________________________________________ .............. Irreal aspects ... complexity ... simplicity .............. spatiotemporal ... real ......... real

These prior thought formations are based on a vast personal history that has been forgotten; one's memory is occluded. Now I am ready to drop the big

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___ I cannot completely discard the notion that the irreal or semireal spatiotemporal realm (continuum) is to some extent based on the percipient's own prior thought-contents (vide "Frozen Journey") + hence in dead time. + that anamnesis is a recognizing world as your own prior thought-content coming back at you - whereupon you heroically rouse yourself to wakefulness + act heroically (with the emphasis on act) to introduce something new: a single new element. This breaks the recirculated programming (fate, heimarmene, astral determinism) forever, + starts up real time, even though you then sink back into sleep, + Maya returns (both Maya + Karma are involved here). The point is: during this brief interval of wakefulness - set off by anamnesis - you are in the real world - which is what I saw in 3-74: + it is quite different from the delusional world made-up of your endlessly recirculated prior thought contents; hence in 3-74 I saw "the second signal", the plasmate, set-ground, + Valis. So your heroic act although it deals with the prior thought-contents is an act in the real world - what I

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very archaic thought-contents (mine) coming back to me as world- reveals that the actual reality is not spatiotemporal but some kind of matrix onto which a number of (anyhow more than one) spatiotemporal set of accidents can be syntonically projected. Surely I saw this living, sentient matrix when I saw Valis. Thus USA 1974 is disclosed as being only another set of spatiotemporal aspects -projected onto the matrix- taken by me the percipient as world, but being in fact my own prior ossified thought-contents - which leads me back to the realization of the crucial -in fact all important- need to commit an act, an heroic deed during this moment of wakefulness, of freeing oneself from the spell of Maya, which will introduce newness + thus (this is the whole point) breaking the power of Karma (astral determinism, heimarmene, fate), since the prior thought-contents cannot now be reinstated to recirculate forever because they no longer apply (the slight deviation in the past -in time travel stories- that sets up a whole new future). In fact as time goes on they apply progressively less + less. So you don't really succumb to irreality ever again, if you commit this heroic act.

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real in the arrangement of that which in itself is substantial but only semireal, enables me to fathom the mystery of Valis, of what I saw in 3-74 that I used to call "pretextual cause" + "valence away from plumb", but later "tug" based on the AI voice speaking of it as "a perturbation [in the reality field]"; the divine is not the reality field (objects + their normal processes) but the perturbation or arrangement finally deserving the term structure. This set-ground reversal on my part is of critical importance in my apperception of the divine. Now, looking back to what I saw in 3-74 that I called Valis, + envisioning the arrangement that a magnetic field causes in iron filings sprinkled on a piece of paper - well, that letter in "Psychology Today" shows I am on the right track. This is an extraordinary + highly sophisticated view on how (if at all) the divine can be apprehended in terms of reality; it is not apprehended as reality ("the reality field") but by the "perturbation" it causes in that reality [field], a perturbation that is not in itself divinity but rather is the discernible tracing of the force that in itself - unknowable to us - is divinity. We cannot know

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God manifested himself to me as the infinite void; but it was not the abyss; it was the vault of heaven, with blue sky and wisps of white clouds. He was not some foreign God but the God of my fathers. He was loving and kind and he had personality. He said, "You suffer a little now in life; it is little compared with the great joys, the bliss that awaits you. Do you think I in my theodicy would allow you to suffer greatly in proportion to your reward?" He made me aware then, of the bliss that would come; it was infinite and sweet. He said, "I am the infinite. I will show you. Where I am, infinity is; where infinity is, there I am. Construct lines of reasoning by which to understand your experience in 1974. I will enter the field against their shifting nature. You think they are logical but they are not; they are infinitely creative." I thought a thought and then an infinite regression of theses and countertheses came into being. God said, "Here I am; here is infinity." I thought another explanation; again an infinite series of thoughts split off in dialectical antithetical interaction. God said, "Here is infinity; here I am." I thought, then, an infinite number of explanations, in succession, that explained 2-3-74; each single one of them yielded up an infinite progression of flipflops, of thesis and antithesis, forever. Each time, God said, "Here is infinity. Here, then, I am." I tried for an infinite number of times; each time an infinite regress was set off and each time God said, "Infinity. Hence I am here." Then he said, "Every thought leads to infinity, does it not? Find one that doesn't." I tried forever. All led to an infinitude of regress, of the dialectic, of thesis, antithesis and new synthesis. Each time, God said, "Here is infinity; here am I. Try again." I tried forever. Always it ended with God saying, "Infinity and myself; I am here." I saw, then, a Hebrew letter with many shafts, and all the shafts led to a common outlet; that outlet or conclusion was infinity. God said, "That is myself. I am infinity. Where infinity is, there am I; where I am, there is infinity. All roads --all explanations for 2-3-74-- lead to an infinity of Yes-No, This or That, On-Off, One-Zero, Yin-Yang, the dialectic, infinity upon infinity; an infinities of infinities. I am everywhere and all roads lead to me; omniae wiae ad Deum ducent. Try again. Think of another possible explanation for 2-3-74." I did; it led to an infinity of regress, of thesis and antithesis and new synthesis. "This is not logic," God said. "Do not think in terms of absolute theories; think

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So "perturbation in the reality field" points to Brahman immanent yet beyond reality in terms of ontology. When I saw Valis I did not merely see the plural as unitary. I saw sentience, volition, and something (which was unitary) posing as the universe. This is much more than the mystical vision in which everything is seen as unitary, but it is related to it. Seeing that what you took to be plural objects and their causal processes is in fact something sentient and volitonal posing as that -- this is much more. Couple this with the earlier perception of the irreality of spatiotemporality and you wind up with Brahman; the acosmism is too radical to be Platonist. The flux world is seen --not as semireal, as in Plato-- but as something Brahman poses as. And as I know from my sharing its mind, Brahman is pure consciousness, and since it is what reality really is, it is pure being. The pure bliss came to me later, in 11-17-80. I've found the passage in Eliade's MYTH AND REALITY that specifically applies to 2-3-74: "At this point we must note that memory is regarded as the pre-eminent form of knowledge. He who can recollect possesses an even more precious magico-religious power than he who knows the origin of things ... But knowledge of one's own former lives --that is, one's personal history-- bestows even more: a soteriological knowledge and mastery over one's own destiny. He who remembers his 'births' (origins) and his former lives (equals periods made up of a considerable series of events undergone) succeeds in freeing himself from karmic conditionings; in other words, he becomes the master of his destiny. (Italics mine.) This is why 'absolute memory' --such as the Buddha's, for example-- is equivalent to omniscience and gives its possessor the powers of Cosmocrator." I need only ask myself, "What was the cardinal practical result of 2-3-74?" and I receive immediately the answer, "I was able to overcome my script/programming/karma/fate/astraldeterminism (call it what you will) vis-a-vis the Xerox missive; I felt the stricture disappear; I introduced newness and escaped a sinister destiny; because of this I am free and alive today." So this is no matter of mere mysticism. The crisis facing me in 3-74 was real and ominous, perhaps even death-dealing. I abreacted phylogenically and when I returned to the present I was a different person, doing things I (sic) would never do. This saved me. And this was the purpose of what happened, not an accidental spinoff. However, I did not do what I did as a Yoga would:

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as unreal, but something replaced it, a sort of timeless matrix. If this timeless matrix is the Form world then Plato is right; if this matrix is Brahman then pan-Indian thought is right. My question would be, Just how irreal did the flux world, the spatiotemporal world, seem? Merely semireal? If so, then Plato is pointed to. I have held this belief for several months, but just lately I have come to the conclusion that a more radical acosmism was involved, in which case pan-Indian thought --which is to say world as maya-- is pointed to. The fact is, even though I myself experienced the anamnesis that Plato refers to (I mean 2-74) I am still not sure what I remembered; it seemed to have to do with another life but it was a life here and now, not there and then, so it was not memory in the usual sense of the word. I've said this time and time again in this exegesis, but it is like when you remember that you have left the burner on under the coffee pot; this deals with something going on right now, and yet memory is involved, or, more precisely, the loss of forgetfulness. If indeed that other life is here and now, then in effect you are cut loose from spatiotemporality as such, because if that other life is here and now, rather than back there and back then, this has profound epistemological significance. If what you remember has to do with a former life --in the past, at another place-- there is not any real epistemological significance. This is why I say in VALIS, "It has nothing to do with reincarnation. Either my body is in two places at once, or my body is nowhere at all." Such concepts as here, now, there, then -- all this vanishes, and you are (I guess) in another realm, the realm of the timeless. Does this point to Platonist metaphysics or pan-Indian Brahmanism? I'm not sure. But what is certain is that upon this anamnesis you no longer view the spatiotemporal world as you have been viewing it. Why you could understand this but not be able to put the concept into words I cannot at all fathom. Perhaps it is too primary, a basic orientation, a basic way of relating to reality. It is soo primary and so profound that there is no ready verbal concept that will express it. But it does deal with recollection, with recovered memory which is a form of knowledge, a sudden vast insight about world: about what is not real (spatiotemporality) and, conversely, what is (either the Form world or Brahman). At this point I choose the latter. I think that what you realize is, simply, "Tat tvam asi." It's that profound. It is the Atman-Brahman identification. And I say this because there is something else that you realize: your own identity. Possibly this

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would be a perfect example of what I am trying to explicate, to fathom conceptually - to understand. Like sentient purposeful klinomen. I finally understand this is what is meant by "a perturbation in the reality field". One tiny tug sets a sequence of mounting, growing changes in motion, ending in massive (total?) enantiodromia: victory. Over world. Since all reality is one field the effects of the initial perturbation end only when the final enantiodromia occurs, + all the "counters" flip over to their opposites. This is what "MITHC" is about, + deliberately so. But: the real secret is: Something NEW (although tiny, bordering on ex nihilo, on nothing, yet something) is introduced into an otherwise closed system. My example? My act vis-a-vis the Xerox Missive. As a result the entire closed system is affected throughout. I can see this by scrutinizing the "reality field" of "MITHC" + contemplating a "perturbation" entering from outside that closed field! What a drastic effect it would have had: it would have been "impossible" - yet this is the case, as the AI voice said. This is precisely the divine: a tiny thing entering a vast closed field out of nothing + altering all of it!

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If you collate (superimpose) "Ubik", "Stigmata", "Maze", "Scanner", "Tears", "Penultimate Truth", "Joint", "MITHC" etc what do you get? What is the meta-message? I'm not sure, but it has to do with 2-3-74 + Valis. Oh yes, + such stories as "Faith of..." + "Precious Artifact"; a lot is in the stories.

The whole thrust of my writing has been that we are calculatedly deceived as to the nature of reality, that a cruel epistemological fraud has been worked on us; that only by the most scrupulous + rigorous investigation can we possibly bypass the deception + catch a glimpse of the deliberately concealed truth. We are ensnared in lies - perhaps one central lie. Fakes is the main topic of my epistemology, + the search for the genuine. At this point I am willing to argue that a Palmer Eldritch holds us in his epistemological spell, like a sort of ultra-technology. Now I have hit on the theory of entropic time as the basic delusion/occlusion. Yes, I regard all this as diabolical, so mine is a theological overview, not philosophical, when you get down to it.

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his was; that is, a dynamic process, not a static state. I conclude that the divine self-disclosure to him was a deliberate theophany; +, applying this logic to myself, I can only think that my experience was a further divine self-disclosure. Boehme + I are both uneducated men. We did not come to our revelation by reading or education. I guess I express mine fully in "Valis": the irrational is at the root of creation, but reason [St. Sophia] has broken into this irrational reality, + transmutes + sobers it invisibly. So there is an evolution in the universe from the irrational to the rational, + I identify the former with the creator (the Father) + the latter with Christ (St. Sophia). The dialectic that pervades reality is between the old irrational + the newer rational; the former I corrolate with the Fall + illusion + ignorance - the latter with salvation + reality + knowledge. To me the savior, then, is a revealer (as he was to the Gnostics). To me the essence of the holy in God, world + man is to know. The rational, then, is a camouflaged invader lately come into a basically irrational reality, + combats that irrationality. It is reason (wisdom) against what Schopenhauer called "blind will". This, to me, is salvation, just as the blind will (of the creator) brought on the primordial Fall.

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which he gave me a little that I might see how it would be. + he was no foreign God but the God of my fathers, our own God. What he wills is. He simply wills it. This is simple; there is no mechanism, no complexity. Valis is the world properly seen, as if from outside, from an objective standpoint outside space + time, but still world, with all its history preserved in it + advancing through its growth-stages via the dialectic; it (Valis) is, simply, reality. But that is other than God. When I saw the glint of color in the alley + the rippling of the weeds I saw the edge, the end of creation, but not the beginning of God: I saw him not. But there is nothing to see, because he is not physical. All that happens he either wills (orders) or allows. I think 3-74 was something I did vis-a-vis world that did not involve God. It involved world + information, but it was physical. I am the doubt; God allows it but it is satanic + rebellious. It is Satan the accuser of God's handiwork, Satan in me as rebel questioning reality under the guise of epistemological inquiry. It is hubris + intellectual arrogance. Yet God allowed it. It was -has been- blasphemy. World, which I questioned, came back at me in a subtle form, the subtle serpent, world as Valis which I then took to be real, + so fell even more under its domination than any average Christian is dominated by world; Valis is world as Satan's kingdom, subtly disguised in such a way as to fulfill my personal, individual preconceptions about God; this is why 3-74 resembled "Ubik" + Ubik; it was my own preconceptions + theology fed back at me to "ratify" them. This is world's -Satan's- victory, this great intellectual subtlety. World as it normally

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is (I discover) the essential message of Jesus in contrast to all other apocalyptic thought. That is, God's in-breaking reign is viewed as here now secretly rather than viewed as a spectacular historical event lying in the future; hence Jesus speaks of the Kingdom (more properly Kingship -i.e. reign-) of God being initially like a "mustard seed" that "grows into a vast tree" - meaning that not only will its entrance be small, unseen + mysterious but that not every one will see it; it will be disclosed to the "humble" + the "generous". Small, concealed, mysterious - + this is the in-breaking (invading of world?) by God. "...the return of Christ in glory will be the final act (sic) that establishes the Kingdom which Christ will then present to the Father. Until that time the Kingdom appears as a free gift of God accepted by the humble + the generous, refused by the proud + selfish. There is no entering it without the wedding garment which is the new life + not all men are admitted. One must stay awake so as to be ready when it comes unexpectedly." (J. Bible notes Matthew 4d.) I come to the conclusion that [1] Valis, [2] the wise horn of the dialectic, [3] the macrometasomakosmos + [4] the "second signal" - this is the Kingship of God that mysteriously + in a small form broke -has broken some time ago- into our world, combats our world, disassembles + assimilates it, invisibly. This fits in with Acts, the Golden Fish sign, Thomas, the AI voice, its prophecy about St. Sophia (+ its saying "You have been adopted" + the reason why, anamnesis, the early sacraments - the K[...] it has been here [...]

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He was not a type, like "the wise old King", not an archetype. Not like a statue; he was an individual, not MAN but a given specific man (in contrast to a sort of platonic eidos). It was as if the universe had been created by one given specific individual man. Book. Robe. Tree. Gray. Brown. Dark shades + fabric. There was nothing generic about him. No so-to-speak DNA. No latency: all was actualized + distinct. As if you had gone from the physical, material realm of specifics to the platonic archetypal - + then back to this specific man! Like a complete circle. Strange. He was like all ontogeny! As if a wise old scholar, a sage, had conjured up creation, not God as we normally think of him, but a scholar of love + tenderness, but of vast learning. Again I see a book.

(Reflections upon reading the above a week later): This is very strange: that God the Father (ABBA), the creator, is (I shall say "is" + not "seems like") is a certain, one, given, individual man. But there were elements

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So this awareness that God is the Father is awareness that literally this is He who gave you life, who causes you to be, to exist, + who sanctifies that einai; to speak of him as "Father" or "Abba" ("Daddy") is not a term of affection only, but of total recognition; + this bestowal of life (einai) is due to God's own infinite love, a desire that you exist in, as + for yourself + not, say, due to an intellectual view by God that it is a "good idea that you exist because it aids in fulfilling the -or some- overall plan". + of course it is the aim + strategy of Satan that you lose -or lose some of- that einai that God bestowed on you; therefore it is said correctly that God gives life but Satan gives death: he takes that life away + substitutes something spurious for it (this can be seen in the Empire + its inflicling universal sameness, its own mold; against which the Spirit ignites the essential human element in the person once again, as if relighting a lamp that has gone out - this is the blitz of recognition -anamnesis of identity- that I experienced + speak of). In view of all this, it is no wonder that I found God to be an individual man, but extended through all infinities.

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"If you press world hard enough it yields up God" -- paraphrase of page 485. "I define God as world under the threat of death... God forced into the open, and put to work in the service of evading death."

521

I already know where the Kingdom is: it is a floating principle of organization that can be any collection of things that He wants.

525

Xtianity is like a given drama on TV; what I've been trying to figure out for 6 1/2 years is not what this one drama of many is about, but how the TV set works that brings this drama and all the others (there are many, as Eliade makes clear). (So: Christianity, when you think about it, could not be the answer. It is a content within the system, not the system..

10/22/80 As of late last night my emotions (affective self) moved into synch with my intellect (as engaged in this exegesis), and the result was that I surveyed a world-picture of such bleakness that it was for a time beyond my capacity to bear. I saw and understood suffering, not just intellectually, not just emotionally, but fully, with complete comprehension. Today I have thought about it, and the only attitude that can or should be brought to bear is a stoic one, in fact a heroic one, a facing of this bleakness unflinchingly, with no attempt to flee from it as a vision or existentially, as a way of being in the world. It is a view of the weary wheel of Buddhism; it is the Buddha's view of absolute suffering and the need not to be reborn, to get off the wheel....

Each creature is born, suffers, dies, is again born, forever and ever, because the world soul —there is just one soul, and it has fragmented into billions of bits—made the primordial and primary mistake of taking the spatiotemporal realm as real, thus plunging itself into enslavement and multiplicity. For a few there is a way out: discovery that the spatiotemporal world is not real, an ascent back up into unity and freedom, but only for a few bits (sparks) is this possible; the enormous mass of fragments will remain caught forever, unless some final great savior comes here and frees us en masse. I hope this will happen but I doubt it. Every fly with a missing leg, every cat beleaguered by fleas, every human fearing economic want —the endless wheel turns for all of us and it turns forever, in this irreal time we have fallen victim to.

"The saying that is uttered in secret rites, to the effect that we men are in a sort of prison, and that one ought not to loose himself from it nor yet to run away, seems to me something great and not easy to see through; but this at least I think is well said, that it is the gods who care for us, and we men are one of the possessions of the gods.” So says Plato referring to the Pythagoreans. Everything is contained here: the vision and the stance, and, finally, what may be the only solace that can be held out, that the gods care for us because we are their possessions. This paragraph will have to do if I am to be saved from the vision I have seen, and it is meant to save; it is Plato's great mind coming to bear on the situation, with full knowledge of the reality of the situation, the Greek equipoise that Apollo exemplified; that Attic calm to which I must return, or I am destroyed....

Premise: the primordial Fall was caused by our taking the spatiotemporal realm to be real.

1) In 2-74 I saw that the spatiotemporal realm was not real.

2) Therefore I reversed the original Fall—which is doing much more than remembering—by anamnesis—the reality of the Form world, the universals. What I realized last night is that I as a soul splintered up in fragments through space and time, literally exploded through space and time, in incarnation after incarnation, my unity shattered. This is the "weary wheel" of the Orphics. This realization is terrible. Because even though I reversed the effects of the Fall for myself, I can see the dreadful condition of the others of us, born again and again (but this is temporal talk; it is irreal. Splintered is the correct term. ... Now the results of not recognizing "Tat tvam asi" seem actually sinister, since you literally are other life forms, other humans and other creatures; you as primordial soul are splintered, exploded, over thousands of years and thousands of miles. "Tat tvam asi" is not a luxury for the languid philosopher or the special mystic; it is essential in the reversal of a primordial fall (our taking the spatiotemporal realm as real.).

Recollection as re-collection: (calling one's splintered, scattered parts in, to a center). The primordial explosion reversed as the calling back together, a sort of teleological implosion, as if time were running backward.

10/24/80

3 pages on his syncretistic system Rats. I'm rediscovering things that I already knew; that are, in fact, the basis of my system. I am too tired; I must quit for a time and rest.

Probably the wisest view is to say: the truth —like the Self—is splintered up over thousands of miles and years; bits are found here and there, then and now, and must be re-collected; bits appear in the Greek naturalists,in Pythagoras, Heraclitus, Plato, Parmenides, Zoroastrianism, Gnosticism, Taoism, Mani, orthodox Christianity, Judaism, Brahmanism, Buddhism, Orphism, the other mystery religions. Each religion or philosophy or philosopher contains one or more bits, but the total system interweaves it into falsity, so each as a total system must be rejected, and none is to be. accepted at the expense of all the others (e.g. “I am a Christian" or "I follow Mani"). This alone, in itself, is a fascinating thought: here in our spatiotemporal world we have the truth but it is splintered —exploded like the eide—over thousands of years and thousands of miles and (as I say) but be recollected, as the Self or Soul or eidos must be. This is my task.

In that case, each given system is in itself part of the enslaving snare of delusion; in other words, as soon as I avow one philosopher or system (e.g. Spinoza or Schopenhauer or Kant or Anaxagoras or Parmenides: or Gnosticism) I have become again or more ensnared, as I am by this spatiotemporal world itself; it is as if the eidos of Truth is exploded and splintered like all the eide. And all the Selves and Souls. But what else could you expect here in realm #4? Since everything real is here only in discrete bits. Of course this means that I can never come up with the whole, true, complete explanation/answer. I can re-collect and re-collect, do better and better, but never completely make unified the eidos of Truth. Yet, in 3-74 when I meta-abstracted, a great deal of the eidos the Truth was revealed to me; however, alas, I did not understand it then and do not yet.

Look; I may be on to something here, that in realm 4 it is impossible to re-collect any given eidos including that of a true verbal (informational) picture (analog) of reality; that in fact the true informational analog will be exploded over thousands of miles and thousands of years like all other eide. Such is the situation here in the spatiotemporal realm; this is one of its drawbacks (among many). Fascinating. In that case, no wonder I haven't been able to match my 2-3-74 experience to any religion or any philosopher, yet many seem in part to apply. The truth is splintered! This would explain, too, why the sacardotal power is found in bits in, say, the alley; for the same reason: it is exploded ubiquitiously. (In additional to the places I listed above where I've found bits of the truth I should add: the Hermetics and the Kabala and quantum mechanics.)

So one great realization is: the map is exploded; the map is splintered. (And, perhaps, the map is not complete; see Hussey on the map paradox, the vicious regression.) Nous exploded…

10/25/80

If a gun were put to my head and I had to give one short answer as to what Valis was, I would say, “The Tao, as the Absolute.” And as to what happened in 3-74: the regulation of the Yin and the Yang, i.e. the dialectic, by the Tao; the Tao asserting itself as master of the dialectic that makes up our world-order of flux and strife ("the Tao is what lets him first the light, then the dark" -- this has always stuck in my mind is the basic definition of the Tao). And this has to do with advanced physics; so Warrick is right about Valis and 3-74. Sentient physics.

But also: Valis was my splintered self "imploding" back together, the pieces that had exploded over space and time reversing their direction in enantiodromia and re-collecting to form their original unity. Of this I am absolutely certain; but look: this, too, could be an example of an event of higher physics! (This is why time seemed to flow backward; and forward-moving time had exploded myself over thousands of years and miles.)

This is why I had the distinct and indubitable impression that my own earlier thought-contents were coming back to me in the form of world – eg Ubik and “Faith of…” etc. World was familiar to me as my own earlier mind. I never could explain this until now. It was (I see now) the re-collecting of my own splintered self as if time were running backward, turning an explosion into an implosion. So beyond doubt enantiodromia and other higher laws of physics perceived by the Taoist in Greek naturalists (Pre-Socratics) were involved! I see! The normal process of self splintering was reversed.

The first space-time thing that return to me was my most recent book, Tears, and the world (acts) in it with a main part of myself had been exploded to. Then later came Ubik. The above paragraph is the most important realization of my six and a half years of exegesis.

10/26/80

Therefore my experience in 2-3-74 now that it has been followed by a successful exegesis -- and only in the last two weeks has it become successful -- pays off in the way that I perceive ordinary daily reality. I cannot bring back the absolute vision of the morphologically arranged realm that I had in 2-74, the anamnesis; but I now can apprehend this realm from the standpoint of the realm number three reality; I can see in the epiphenomenal realm the constants shining through... and this is the triumph in practice of Platonist metaphysics, its whole point: that you learn to see in the flux realm the constants, literally see them with the educated eye, educated by Plato's metaphysics of the forms.

But the real success of the exegesis is that as I become old, now, and wear out, I feel myself wearing out only as an instance of an eternal soul or form; that nothing is lost, nothing is destroyed; and although I don't crave immortality I do crave vigor and joy and the running that I associate with my eidos. and I know, too, that all that I have lost in my life is epiphenomenal, people and cats and things, that in reality nothing is lost. So I can face my own aging and mortality with calm and even pleasure, since I am grounded in both a mystical vision of super reality and an intellectual exegesis based on that vision, the totality of which provides me with a philosophy and with an experience with world that is harmonious and wonderful and intellectually satisfying: it is a vision of intactness, of my own self and world. Of everything as a negentropic whole. As regards my writing: it will permanently affect the macrometasomakosmos in the form of reticulation and arborizing -- and hence will survive in reality forever, in the underlying structure of the world order.

11/1/80

This is the surd I am left with after completing the metaphysical system of my exegesis: a surd. There is what the AI voice called "a perturbation in the reality field." This is Valis; this is the most important part. Originally I spoke of it as a valence away from plumb. Now I think of it as a tugging, like the moon's effect on Earth's oceans creating, by tugging, the tides.

I say, the reality field is not real but the tug is. But what the tug points to -- that is, what is doing the tugging -- I. have no idea. I know of it only by its effects on reality, in setting up an irregularity in reality, in the field, the way reality, the field, behaves. It is being affected from outside -- outside reality.

This surd (something irrational that can't be explained after everything that is rational has been) may stick with me. So I may wind up with something like quantum mechanics faces. In fact it may be an event in quantum mechanics, like something related to the Tao. I don't know.

And this is what I wanted the most to explain. And this tug is right here and now, in the very trash stratum of reality. I have set out in pursuit of ontology, rising from level to level, only to go full circle and come back where I started: pop tunes on the radio, weeds in the alley... and the faint flurry of a kind of breath, as if some invisible spirit, perhaps the ruah, is breathing creation into existence ex nihilo. Yes, I am on the rim of reality; level after level each one more ontologically real than the previous, and then -- nothingness. The void. Only a faint wind stirring reality, tugging at it. And maybe a glint of color, briefly. And a word or two as set to ground. 6 1/2 years of work: a glint, a rustle in the weeds of the alley; I am confronted by unfathomable mystery, as if I saw cosmogenesis reversed: cosmic resorption, until at last creation ceased to be, and only the spirit moved across the face of the void. And, equally real and equally enigmatic, a small murmuring voice speaking in the night, as if from immeasurable distances away.

I have found the ultimate source: a rustle of wind in the weeds and faint, distant words by a lovely voice that is neither male nor female. Both bordering on the rim of not being there but being, I am convinced, the truly real; in contrast to the great substantial world order, the galaxies and nebulae, Suns and planets, civilizations and deeds.

I cannot say that I have found moxa, enlightenment. I do not understand what I saw and what happened in 2-3-74. Something helped me. Who? Oddly, although I don't know who I do know why (since the AI voice told me that). I chased after reality, and how far did I actually get? “Ti to on?” The Pre-Socratics asked. Perhaps it is the wrong question.

Of odd thought came to me. I end my exegesis with something -- what I call a surd because that is what it is -- that can't be fitted into an otherwise satisfactory system. This one thing is simple. No elaboration of it seems possible, no implications extracted and elaborated. It makes me think of Dante’s semplice lume. And my exploded morphological structure reminds me of Dante's description of God as the book of the universe whose pages are scattered throughout the universe.

I beheld leaves within the unfathomed blaze into one volume bound by love, the same that the universe holds scattered through its maze. Substance and accidents and their modes became as if together fused, all in such wise that what I speak of is one simple flame.

About all I can see clearly is that 3-74 was a heroic act that consisted of the overcoming of fate. “We can be heroes for just one day," to quote Bowie. It all has to do with waking up long enough to perform one action, to make one change, before you sink back down into sleep, before you again forget.

What strikes me about this is that it is cosmogenesis ijn miniature, in the microcosm, because something has come into being ex nihilo. What the person did – the heroic act – he could not do given who he is, given his history, his karma. It is an impossibility. Thus in a real and literal sense a new self has been born in him, since this fact, this deed, could not issue out of field self, the self is splintered throughout time and space. This is as much a miracle of the original cosmogenesis; in a sense it is the original cosmogenesis, and perhaps the ruah is present at it as it was in the beginning.

So I felt as if another self had taken me over; my actions were "disassociated,” without ideation; and then Thomas came into being in me. Maybe he was new, not a lost part rejoining me but new ex nihilo, the permanent offspring of the heroic deed that broke the power of the world rule existentially. What world lost, self acquired. There is a quantum transfer of essence from world itself, so that the balance between the two shifts critically. Self is acting on world, rather than world on self; it is as if up until then the self is only a product of world, its being; it was a thing among things, controlled and directed and shaped, as a potter shapes the Clay vessel. And all its deeds in all its thoughts have only been world acting and speaking through it, within a closed system of which that self was only a component.

For one thing, if you view it in science fiction terms, in terms of ideas S.-F. has developed vis-à-vis time travel and changing the past: has not this one new deed changed the entire future, the entire future history of the universe? Because the universe is one great field, and to introduce truly new thing or event into it is to alter it in its entirety. Permanently.

Since world is now no longer a closed system it is no longer in effect a prison.

620

Is the secret connected with time and the reversal of Time? Cosmic resorption? I am right in my writing: reality is a series of Chinese boxes, a box within a box within a box, etc.: but a final point comes when you have Valis, but what are who Valis is I have no idea. The Tao, YHWH, cosmic Christ, Brahman, Shiva, Krishna, or a quantum mechanics phenomenon. Or ruah, the spirit of God breathing creation into existence out of nothing – ex nihilo -- you finally wind up with: non-being -- that is-not -- is real, and the "is" is only seeming, is not real. You open box after box and ascend the levels of being (esse, substantia, einai) and then you open the last one and it contains -- nothing! And yet you're faced with the mystery or paradox that Ho on (for want of a better term) is actually right here and now, in the very trash at hand, not far away at all -- the ultimate paradox in terms of your long search through level after level of being -- he is at the initial least real (sic) level. You wind up back where you started, paradoxically. But now you know that this utterly worthless trash level -- mere appearance -- is somehow also Ho On, whom you seek. “The Buddha is a piece of toilet paper." "The Savior is a crushed beer cans in the alley." Could this be the final great enantiodromia?

So if you push essence far enough in terms of ascending levels, you find you have gone a full circle, and you wind up encountering ultimate deity cooking and riding pop tunes on the radio and popular novels, and a breath of wind in the weeds in the alley.

It's as if the ultimate mystery is that there is no mystery -- it's like what Robert Anton Wilson says in the COSMIC trigger about being outside the Castle when you think you're in, and inside when you think you're out.

And in a way what is most paradoxical is that I said it all in Yupik years ago! So in a way my exegesis of 2-3-74 says only, "Yupik is true." All I know today that I didn't know when I wrote UBIK is that you but isn't fiction. In all of history no system of thought applies as well to 2-3-74 as Yupik, my own the earlier novel. When all the metaphysical and theological systems have come and gone there remains this inexplicable surd: a flurry of breath in the weeds in the back alley -- a hint of motion of color. Nameless, defying analysis or systemizing: it is here and now, lowly, at the rim of perception of being. Who is it? What is it? I don't know.

I ask for 30 years, what is real? And in 2-3-74 I got my answer as of the universe -- well, as if my question traveled across the whole universe and came back to me in the form of experienced answers... and what I wind up with after 6 1/2 years of studying those experienced answers is: a surd. A perturbation in the reality field -- an irregularity, a departure from the normal -- a tugging or pulling or bending. And that is all. Not even the thing, the perturbing body itself; only its effects on "the reality field." Something out of the ordinary -- like I say, a surd.

So what, then, do I know about the nature of reality,? That an irregularity can show up in it that points to -- something else. Only a sign.

Q: “ti to on?”

A: Heidegger says, "why is there something instead of nothing?" To which I asked, "why does Heidegger think there is something instead of nothing?" The tug is real and the "reality field" tug on isn't. So that which is genuinely real is pointed to by its effect on "the reality field" (which isn't real) but what it is that is doing the tugging I have no idea.

631

This is exactly what does not happen in frozen journey! Thus this us as this is this 651

My most recent notes show that Christianity and Platonist metaphysics are two branches of the same one source: Christianity the dramatic performance of it (event, act), Plato's metaphysics the theoretical explanation (the basis: the how.) So Platonist metaphysics and Christianity are not only not mutually exclusive, they reinforce and complement each other -- they together form a complete whole, neither part (half) alone on its own being the whole truth, i.e. neither part by itself is the true "mystery." This now I don't have the puzzling surd left, as I did after I made use of the Platonist part alone. By adding the cosmic Christ (especially as put forth in Dallas on page 80 passim) I have a total comprehensive system. I do not have to choose between the cosmic Christ and Platonist metaphysics: on the contrary: I get the answer by adding them together and only by adding them together. But to do this I had to see that they flow from a common source, like a message torn in two pieces.

4:30 AM: I was lying here thinking how Christ would show up in the alley in the weeds because that is where he is and things of daily life and world, and I ask myself "would he be additional substantial/material trace bits?" And I realized, "no, as a tug, a perturbation -- the iron filings and magnetic field perturbation" – the eide are not material, not physical; so the only way they (P.) would show up would be as a tug; and this would render the plural objects and processes at the field perturbed as a unitary whole -- I visualized it so clearly. Since he is not real in the spatiotemporal sense, and yet he is here not there, in this world, immediately at hand; I understood it for a moment so clearly -- and it was exactly what I saw in 3-7 for that I called Valis. It is the only evidence we would have. {…} So I arrive at the conclusion to this exegesis and it is where I started: Vallas is (the cosmic Christ; but to understand this I had to reject all other possibilities one by one over 6 1/2 year period; and, most important of all, I had to study Plato's metaphysics thoroughly and rejoin it to other half: Christianity, the anamnesis of the Eucharist, arising out of Orphism, from which Plato's metaphysics came.

655

MWII: “Field. Physics. A region or space traversed by lines of force; the region throughout which the force exerted by a body or by etc. is detectable.”

This is quite clear. What we call reality is the "region throughout which the force exerted by a "body" etc. is detectable" Valis is that “body” etc. exerting detectable force, and that force is detectable by a perturbation in reality as field. So: something lies outside of reality acting on it. By "reality" I understand that the physical spatiotemporal universe is meant. Reality, then, is just a region on which the truly real acts and is detectable. To quote from "Valis": "my body is either in two places or else it is nowhere" “

11/7/80 – cosmic resorption **

11-7-80 1 I've solved itl I've solved the problem of 2-3-74j I did it through Eliade. It was right there in front of me; I read it but did not see the application. I will quote: For Indian thought, suffering is originated and indefinitely prolonged in the world by karma, by temporality; it is the law of karma that imposes the countless series of transmigrations, the eternal retuI to existence and hence to suffering. Liberation from the karmic law i~ equivalent to “cure." The Buddha is the "king of physicians," his message is proclaimed as a "new medicine." It is by "burning up" the very last germ of a future life that the individual definitely ends the karmic cycle and is delivered from Time. Now, one of "the ways of "burning up" the karmic residues is the technique of "going back" in order to learn one's previous lives. The method is to cast off from a precise instant of Time, the nearest to the present moment, and to retrace the Time backward in order to arrive ad originem the point where existence first "burst" into the world and unleashed Time. Then one rejoins that paradoxical instant before which Time was not, because nothing had been manifested…ln the man who accomplishes it this "return" or "regression" finds expression in the annihilation of the Cosmos and hence brings about "emergence from Time," entrance into "immortality." Now, in the Tantric view immortality can be obtained only by halting manifestation and hence the process of disintegration; one must proceed "against the current" and recover the primordial Unity that existed in illo tempore, before Creation. What is necessary, then, is to enact in one's own being the process of cosmic resorption, and so return to the "origin." ••. After describing the creation of the Universe by Shiva, the text describes the inverse process of cosmic resorption, as it is to be lived, experienced by the yogi. The latter sees the element Earth become "subtle" and dissolve in the element Water, Water dissolve in Fire, Fire in Air, Air in Ether, and so on, until all is reabsorbed into the Great Brahman. The yogi witnesses the inverse of the process of Creation, he "goes back" until he reaches the "origin."

Valis is Brahman. I am finished. I know now. I s aW-Brahman because through anamnesis I escaped from time, and then time ran back­ward, and I saw cosmic return from plurality to unity (the metakosmos) and most of all I saw Brahman, which I called Valis.

I did it. I figured it out. The Platonist anamnesis was the cause. It sent time moving backward from plurality to unity, to Brahman.

The cosmic resorption must have occurred in a flash; I mean, it --time--regressed at hyper speed, as represented by the permutation of the phosphene graphics. So I reached the point "where existence first 'burst' into the world and unleashed Time" came very swiftly. This (the realization that time moved retrograde) was an absolute essential fact for completion of my understanding of 2-3-74. It is no wonder that I felt that I had encountered world as my own prior thought-formations; this is connected with Buddhism, Brahmanism, the "TIBETIAN BOOK OF THE DEAD." I am right about that; but: I did become involved with my own prior thought formations because I literal traveled back through them into phylogenie reverse-time; I used up ontogenic time (my own prior thought formations). I relived my own earlier books. But Valis is Brahman, the unity before time hence multiplicity occurred. Then the metakosmos is the universe before the Fall:

God, the work I have put into this. I am so tired. But here it is. Platonism, most of all, then this Taoist and pan-Indian technique of returning to the origins, to cure the work of time, to attain health and immortality, and to burn up karma and get off the wheel. It is very complex; I must adopt a synchretistic view; but wha is most important is that Valis ,is identified as the Great Brahman; when I saw Valis I saw Brahman, the unity before time and multiplicity began (time and multiplicity are the same because time equals flux, which is change, which is multiplicity). I can only repeat: this was the missing element, this business of cosmic resorption, time flowing backward. So what I did was alchemical and yoga.

God, I could just burst with excitement. Once I broke free of time I was on my way back; once I remembered that's what the whole thing hinges on, the anamnesis. And I wound up seeing Brahman.

3 This points up how correct my definition of God was: "God is world under the aspect of imminent death." You push world far enough and it turns into God. This is Brahman and no other. So when I saw Valis, time had been driven out as if destroyed.

I can't believe it's over. All I have done is ratify my original insight, but what a fruitful journey it has beenl I must have passed through millions of years of time during that Bardo Thodol (phosphene graphics) trip. All initiated by the Platonist anamnesis, which --well, I've said it; there is nothing more to say. I broke free of time; I burned up my karma; I returned to illo tempore; I saw world as Brahman, Which is to say,before cosmogenesis. I saw the primordial unity; and I shared in the Brahman-Atman identity equation. I saw; I saw. And I gained health and "immortality" and new birth, the "Golden Flower" of mystical Taoism (alchemism).

Well, was it worth my not giving up on this exegesis, this attempt to understand what happened in 2-3-74 and how and why? certainly. Absolutely. Beyond any doubt. Even if I did take the wrong path thousands --literally thousands--of times. I had to find my way to platonist metaphysics before I could make any progress at all, and that came only recently. Christianity was a factor (I finally realized) that was always throwing me off. I knew the answer had to do with time. I read and reread Eliade1s MYTH AND REALITY, but until I had digested the difficult philosophical matter of plato's metaphysics --and related it to pythagoras and the Orphics, to the greater mysteries--only then could I return to MYTH AND REALITY and understand that I had done what Eliade describes in his chapter "Time Can Be Overcome." {…} "The flux world feeds into the metasomakosmos" --it never once occurred to me that when I saw this I was seeing time moving backward, that the metasomakosmos was the original primordial unitary reality before "existence first 'burst' into the world and unleashed Time." I might have gone on forever without grasping this, but for the fact that I was haunted by the realization that somehow 2-3-74 resembled my own prior thought~formations, which suggested THE TIBETIP BOOK OF THE D£AD which then pointed to India hence Buddhism and Brahmanism, hence yoga. And always, always, I had sensed that Valis might well be Brahman. He reckons ill who leaves me out; When me he flies I am the wings. It was always there intuitively in my mind, but I could not verify it because I could not explain why --how--I had seen Brahman, if indeed I had. It was not enough for me to say, "I saw Brahman." I had to explain why and how. And why we normally do not. Now I have all that. ttl define GOJ as world under the threat of (imminent) death." This is not transcendent deity, Western man's deity. AS in VBIK this is, well, world under the threat of imminent death; I can say no more.

addendum I add the following , not found in Eliade, but certainly a part of the sort of world mythology that Joseph Campbell describes: What is required is (1) the recognition of world as your OWn prior thought-formations, i.e. the karmic nature of world. (2) An awakening (well, this is perhaps involved in the above). Okay. (3) The heroic deed performed while awake that introduces an element of newness so that the prior thou~ht-formations are sundered, broken, abolished, ruined; their power over you is gone; this is how you free yourself from karma and take control of your own destiny. It is not just by anamnesis and by recognizing world as your own prior thought­formations (perhaps from a former life); it is by awakening enough to perform the heroic deed and thus introduce newness.

I say this because I did it. That is what destroyed the power of the spatiotemporal world (karma) over me. I am the authority; I need not find it in a reference book. This was essential; not just to know but to do (die Tat). perhaps this is a western notion. In any case, I believe the deed is essential, because upon it hap~ening, the prior thought-formations are no longer true. They no longer pertain. Thus Time --or a certain kind of cyclic dead Time--is destroyed, and real Time (the future? The free future?) rushes in; whereupon Time runs retrograde and you are carried back to the beginning before cosmogenesis; and you see Brahman.

11/16/80

Have I had it backward? I've always said: I saw His Body camouflaged as the world. Maybe it's the other way. I saw how the pieces of the world fitted together to form his body this was what I saw that I called Valis, externally. This is the same thing as I understood inwardly when I saw that the wise horn of the dialectic selected pieces of the antecedent universe, as a stockpile, and fitted the pieces together to form the macrometasomakosmos which was its own self, its own metasoma. Here seen both ways (externally as Valis and internally as an inner consciousness): world evolved into the Body of Christ; world as pieces that seen acting and operatin together became --were now--Christ as cosmic body. So it is world first; or rather they, as plural pieces are world. Then they-come together so that the they becomes an it, one body made up of all the many objects and processes that were --that had formerly been-­the world. The lower plural evolve into the higher unitary. This was one process seen two ways, seen inwardly and outwardly. Yet you could still say, "His body was camouflaged as world. World was transubstantiated into Christ's Body." But it isn't Christ's Body posing as world; it is world becoming --joining together to form-­Christ's body. Again: it is a cosmic evolution. Not the higher invading the lower but the lower evolving into the higher, with pieces of world added element by element to complete and perfect this titanic body, a body so vast that I could only comprehend dimly enormous --infinite--volumes ~~ of space, space such as I had never conceived or apprehended before. Larger than the universe, which in comparison is merely. finite. Limited. And all of it was alive and all of it thought. And the pieces didn't just happen to fit together; they didn't just haphazardly come together; Christ himself searched for the pieces, took the pieces, placed each piece of the world in place correctly, integrated, beautiful, a kosmos, a macrokosmos that was good, beautiful, pleasing and harmonious, where all the many parts that had been world interacted as one unity. And yet absolutely in no way was this vast body anthropomorphic; it was not a human body. It was a permanent body that continually become more reticulated and arborized and complex and perfect, that had once been world. So my inner vision of the macrometasomakosmos formed out of the antecedent universe, and my external perception of Valis "camouflaged” and one and the same. And it is right here. Evolution, not reversion. Gestalting on my part; form -perception.

And this waS accomplished by him defeating world over and over again in dialectical combat with it, where he subdued it, disassemblec it and assimilated it in the form of useful and appropriate pieces into his own vast body. Every new part incorporated --self-incorporated-­came as a result of of defeating and subduing world, but not defeating and subduing it by force, but rather by wisdom; by his being wiser than it, although not as powerful; it was his wisdom victorious over its power, and as it lost each time it lost another piece of itself. So the vast body grows, and with each defeat world becomes less and he becomes more: more completed, more perfected, more internally intricate and organized; and everything valuable in world is preserved eternally in his body as the right part fitted into the right place.

And he systematically deprived world of its blind, inexorable causality, and substituted his voliton in simulation of that mechanical causality, so that to the unaided eye causality still remained… just as to the unaided eye the plural constituents of world remained plural and unalive. And unable to think. And not integrated into a whole, a whole that was evolving internally, just as world passed over --which is to say evolved--into it. So in a sense there were two evolutions: world evolving into his body not the pieces sort of swimming together but selected and arranged by him and an evolution internal to his body: the reticulation and arborizing, based on events in the world fed into his body, continual accretions passing from world --where they were transitory--into his body --where they were forever preserved and remembered, like within a memory system in a mind or brain. And all the internal arrangement was morphologi­cal, not in terms of space and time, but in terms of information, as if arranged by meaning, like a kind of language. Like neural conduits in a brain. There Was an endless processing of things as information, as if every combination was tried out, a perpetual rapid activity, like an internal metabolism, an information metabolism. It was using objects --combinations and recombinations--of objects to think with. And every given thing was limited (telos) by every other thing, in comparison to which the antecedent universe was chaotic (atelos). It was alive; it thought; and it initiated its own movement. Nothing acted on it; all its movements were self-initiated. And nothing outside it acted to construct it; it constructed itself.

And if you were outside it in the chaotic antecedent universe you were in a prison; but if you were inside it you were in a park or garden. And it constantly attacked the prison to dismantle it as a source of parts. And this had been on for two thousand years, a really very bitter but somehow also joyful war. Finally, when an object was incorporated into this structure it became real for the first time, as if up until then in a certain way it had been illusory: coming into being and passing away without ever having truly existed. But now it was safe from decay and harm

And perishing. Forever. As if the body had a map of its own internal structure, the only structure ever to have been self-mapping, hence totally internally self-aware. Yet when you looked at this great system it was only ordinary objects such as you see every day.The basic things of the world, but interrelated and arranged without having moved in time and space. The internal arrangement was its own awareness of itself. Itself as map.

AS incredible as it may seem, I actually didn't realize (until last night) that when I saw what I called Valis I saw what I call macrometasomakosmos. Apparently this is the case; the case that (1) I didn't recognize their identity and (2) they are identical. That means that my vision as to how the macrometasomakosmos is constructed (out of pieces of the antecedent universe by means of the dialectic) applies to Valis. I literally saw the macro­metasomakosmos into which the flux world feeds. So Valis didn't invade our world in a disguised or camouflaged form, as I have always supposed; it is constructed right here, but invisible to us. It grows; it becomes more complex and perfected; and it constructs itself. Absolutely it is the Cosmic Christ; either that or it is one fuck of a meta life form. It just ruthlessly plunders the flux world, treating it as a chaotic stockpile that it uses for parts. And it is selective as to what it assimilates and where it places it in its own soma. Did I realize this? I don't think so; I didn’t realize that I saw it and that It is Valis. It's as if two thought clusters in my mind finally collided and formed one thought-complex. I had two separate categoriE one involving invading; one involving construction, by its own self.

Word Doc of Notes

Last edit over 4 years ago by Max
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01 - Notes 2

Suddenly years of speculation are rendered void, by this realization. Valis experienced three ways. Valis is --indeed must be--the Cosmic Christ assembling itself out of the antecedent universe which it uses as a stockpile, which it (the Cosmic Christ) defeats perpetually in a dialectical combat. (1) Its mind was in direct touch with mine and it explained how it comes into existence and out of what. The macrometasomakosmos.

(2) I saw it externally as Valis.

(3) I was inside it, and saw its inner information-metabolism, what I call "the second signal."

Because the essence of its identity --it's einai--is its structure, we can't see it; all its constituents are ordinary objects. Also its einai is noein; they are one. Supra (3) confirms that (1) and (2) are identical. The fact that the macrometasomakosmos is right here, made up of ordinary objects structuredinto a cohesive unity, changes my conception of it; I must now reappraise everything I've thought during the past six and a half years. I’ve missed the point all this time; I knew Valis was here, but I could not figure out where the macrometasomakosmos was --since I didn't realize that they --and what I call the "second signal"--are the same. It is a floating mind that turns objects into information within a brain, a brain that processes objects and their causal connections as information; it is especially active in our own communications media utilizing a set-ground system. I must admit that I don't really understand this; why can't we pick up, say, its meta-morphemes? Well, because we can't perform feature-extraction with it. It blends perfectly. Am I to assume that I'm the only human aware of it? Hardly. Where I differ is that (I'd guess) live struggled so hard to explicate what happened to me…no, that isn't it. Could it be here just recently? No; that isn't it either. It's not in time and space; it's exploded morphologically…or it utilizes a retrograde time axis, what I call negentropic time. I don't know. It's impossible that no one else has seen it, but you can't see it unless it incor­porates you. Maybe I'm the only one stupid enough to talk about it.

11/17/80

God manifested himself to me as the infinite void; but it was not the abyss; it was the vault of heaven, with blue sky and wisps of white clouds. He was not some foreign God but the God of my fathers. He was loving and kind and he had personality. He said, "You suffer a little now in life; it is little compared with the great joys, the bliss that awaits you. Do you think I in my theodicy would allow you to suffer greatly in proportion to your reward?" He made me aware, then, of the bliss that would come; it was infinite and sweet. He said, "I am the infinite. I will show you. Where I am, infinity is; where infinity is, there I am. Construct lines of reasoning by which to understand your experience in 1974 . I will enter the field against their shifting nature. You think they are logical but they are not; they are infinitely creative. " I thought a thought and then an infinite regression of theses and countertheses came into being. God said, "Here I am; here is infinity. " I thought another explanation; again an infinite series of thoughts split off in dialectical antithetical interaction. God said, "Here is infinity; here I am. " I thought, then, an infinite number of explanations, in succession, that explained 2-3-74; each single one of them yielded up an infinite progression of flipflops, of thesis and antithesis, forever. Each time, God said, "Here is infinity. Here, then, I am. " I tried for an infinite number of times; each time an infinite regress was set off and each time God said, " Infinity. Hence I am here . " Then he said, "Every thought leads to infinity, does it not? Find one that doesn't. " I tried forever. All Ied to an infinitude of regress, of the dialectic, of thesis, antithesis and new synthesis. Each time, God said, "Here is infinity; here am I. Try again. " I tried forever. Always it ended with God saying, " Infinity and myself; I am here." I saw, then, a Hebrew letter with many shafts, and all the shafts led to a common outlet; that outlet or conclusion was infinity. God said, "That is myself. I am infinity. Where infinity is, there am I; where I am, there is infinity. All roads—all explanations for 2-3-74— lead to an infinity of Yes-No, This or That, On-Off, OneZero, Yin-Yang, the dialectic, infinity upon infinity; an infinity of infinities. I am everywhere and all roads lead to me; omniae viae ad Deum ducent. Try again. Think of another possible explanation for 2-3-74." I did; it led to an infinity of regress, of thesis and antithesis and new synthesis. "This is not logic, " God said. "Do not think in terms of absolute theories; think instead in terms of probabilities. Watch where the piles heap up, of the same theory essentially repeating itself. Count the number of punch cards in each pile. Which pile is highest? You can never know for sure what 2-3-74 was. What, then, is statistically most probable? Which is to say, which pile is highest? Here is your clue: every theory leads to an infinity (of regression, of thesis and antithesis and new synthesis). What, then, is the probability that I am the cause of 2-3-74, since, where infinity is, there I am? You doubt; you are the doubt as in: They reckon ill who leave me out; When me they fly I am the wings. I am the doubter and the doubt.

"You are not the doubter; you are the doubt itself. So do not try to know; you cannot know. Guess on the basis of the highest pile of computer punch cards. There is an infinite stack in the heap marked INFINITY, and I have equated infinity with me. What, then, is the chance that it is me? You cannot be positive; you will doubt. But what is your guess?" I said, " Probably it is you, since there is an infinity of infinities forming before me." "There is the answer, the only one you will ever have," God said. "You could be pretending to be God, " I said, "and actually be Satan. " Another infinitude of thesis and antithesis and new synthesis, the infinite regress, was set off. God said, "Infinity. " I said, "You could be testing out a logic system in a giant computer and I am—" Again an infinite regress. "Infinity, " God said. "Will it always be infinite?" I said. "An infinity?" "Try further," God said. "I doubt if you exist," I said. And the infinite regress instantly flew into motion once more. "Infinity," God said. The pile of computer punch cards grew; it was by far the largest pile; it was infinite. "I will play this game forever," God said, "or until you become tired." I said, "I will find a thought, an explanation, a theory, that does not set off an infinite regress . " And , a s soon as I said that, an infinite regres s was set off. God said " Over a period of six and a half years you have developed theory after theory to explain 2-3-74. Each night when you go to bed you think, 'At last I found it. I tried out theory after theory until now, finally, I have the right one . ' And then the next morning you wake u p and say, 'There i s one fact not explained by that theory. I will have to think up another theory. ' And so you do. By now it is evident to you that you are going to think up an infinite number of theories, limited only by your lifespan, not limited by your creative imagination. Each theory gives rise to a subsequent theory, inevitably. Let me ask you; I revealed myself to you and you saw that I am the infinite void. I am not in the world, as you thought; I am transcendent, the deity of the Jews and Christians. What you see of me in world that you took to ratify pantheism—that is my being filtered through, broken up, fragmented and vitiated by the multiplicity of the flux world; it is my essence , yes , but only a bit o f it: fragments here and there, a glint, a riffle of wind . . . now you have seen me transcendent, separate and other from world, and I am more; I am the infinitude of the void, and you know me as I am. Do you believe what you saw? Do you accept that where the infinite is, I am; and where I am, there is the infinite?" I said, "Yes." God said, "And your theories are infinite , so I am there. Without realizing it, the very infinitude of your theories pointed to the solution; they pointed to me and none but me. Are you satisfied, now? You saw me revealed in theophany; I speak to you now; you have, while alive, experienced the bliss that is to corne; few humans have experienced that bliss. Let me ask you, Was it a finite bliss or an infinite bliss?" I said, "Infinite. " "So no earthly circumstance, situation, entity or thing could give rise to it. " "No, Lord," I said. "Then it is I," God said. "Are you satisfied?" "Let me try one other theory, " I said. "What happened in 2-3-74 was that—" And an infinite regress was set off, instantly. "Infinity, " God said. "Try again. I will play forever, for infinity. " "Here's a new theory," I said. "I ask myself, 'What God likes playing games? Krishna. You are Krishna . ' " And then the thought came to me instantly, " But there is a god who mimics other gods; that god is Dionysus. This may not be Krishna at all; it may be Dionysus pretending to be Krishna." And an infinite regress was set off. "Infinity," God said. "You cannot be YHWH Who You say You are, " I said. "Because YHWH says, 'I am that which I am,' or, 'I shall be that which I shall be.' And you—" "Do I change?" God said. "Or do your theories change?" "You do not change , " I said. "My theories change. You, and 2-3-74, remain constant. " "Then you are Krishna playing with me," God said. "Or I could be Dionysus, " I said, "pretending to be Krishna. And I wouldn't know it; part of the game is that I, myself, do not know. So I am God, without realizing it. There's a new theory! " And at once an infinite regress was set off; perhaps I was God, and the " God" who spoke to me was not. "Infinity," God said. " Play again. Another move." "We are both Gods, " I said, and another infinite regress was set off. "Infinity," God said. "I am you and you are you, " I said. "You have divided yourself in two to play against yourself. I , who am one half, I do not remember, but you do. As it says in the Gita, as Krishna says to Arjuna, 'We have both lived many lives, Arjuna; I remember them but you do not. And an infinite regress was set off; I could well be Krishna's charioteer, his friend Arjuna, who does not remember his past lives. "Infinity, " God said. I was silent. "Play again," God said. "I cannot play to infinity," I said. "I will die before that point comes." "Then you are not God," God said. " But I can play throughout infinity; I am God. Play. " "Perhaps I will be reincarnated, " I said. " Perhaps we have done this before, in another life . " And an infinite regress was set off. "Infinity, " God said. "Play again. " "I am too tired, " I said. "Then the game is over. " "After I have rested—" "You rest?" God said. "George Herbert wrote of me:

Yet let him keep the rest, But keep them with repining restlessnesse. Let him be rich and wearie, that at least, If goodness leade him not, yet wearinesse May tosse him to my breast.

Herbert wrote that in 1633," God said. "Rest and the game ends. " "I will play on," I said, "after I rest. I will play until finally I die of it. " "And then you will come to me," God said. "Play. " "This is my punishment," I said, "that I play, that I try to discern if it was you in March of 1974. " And the thought carne instantly, My punishment or my reward; which? And an infinite series of thesis and antithesis was set off. "Infinity," God said. "Play again. " "What was my crime?" I said, "that I am compelled to do this?" "Or your deed of merit," God said. "I don't know," I said. God said, "Because you are not God . " "But you know," I said. " Or maybe you don't know and you're trying to find out." And an infinite regress was set off. "Infinity," God said. "Play again. I am waiting. "

So Satan served me up a sophisticated world in accord with my epistemological expectations (as expressed in my 1 0 volume meta novel)• & I took this to be God & worshipped it, which is not only delusion although a subtle delusion-but blasphemy; but in doing this 1 ) Satan revealed to me a great deal about world (although he led me to believe it was God, not world); & 2) Because of the infinitude of my theorizing I reached God anyhow-& this is an example of the triumph of God the wise horn of the dialectic; so: 3) The dialectic revealed to me is the entropic world-process; but also: 4) The dialectic is God in combat with Satan & God always wins; winning me (as expressed in 1 1- 1 7 80) is an example: Satan's delusions led me to God in the end (through the "infinity" route; viz: as God said, "Where there is infinity, there is God; where there is God, there is infinity. "). Thus my exegesis has been futile, has been delusion, &: has been a hell-chore (as I was beginning to realize, but God delivered me from it, from my own exegesis; & he pointed out the one truth in it: the infinity expressed in it was-but this was overlooked by Satan who does not possess absolute knowledge-a road to God, & did lead there; but only when I recognized the exegesis as futile & a hell-chore delusion. Hence God permitted this deluding by Satan, knowing when it would end. So I wind up knowing a lot more about worldworld as we will later experience it, the world-experience of the future; & I no longer suppose that I was discerning God, & realize that I was discerning world instead; & I was at last led to God. But not by my intellect, not by Gnosis, not by myself at all; it was due to God's initiative due to his loving-kindness; & what was proved was (once again) that all roads/ways/routes if pushed far enough lead to God. Hence (as I say) there is an example of how God the wise born of the dialectic defeats its stupider foe inevitably in the end-this was an enantiodromia. It occurred when I realized that all that I had seen of God in 2-3-74 was a glint of color & a rippled wind in the weeds of the alley, acting on reality; that Valis was not God but rather world ("the reality field") perturbed (from beyond creation) by God; but this did not yield knowledge o f God direct, but only by inference; & that in fact 2-3-74 was not a theophany, but was a more sophisticated experience of world: creation pulled through infinity by reaching the end of (exhausting) its creative/entropic " splitting" (disintegrating; differentiating) dialectic process: entropic time converted into negentropic time. But this was still world, & Satan caused me to worship it . . . to fall victim to it, ensnared by it; taking it to be God; until I found that I had pushed my exegesis to infinity without result! & then I focussed on the very infinitude of my theories & saw (recognized) this as an instance of cosmogenic entropy; &, at last exhausted , prayed for release; & G o d did appear t o m e i n theophany & took the field & blocked each & all theories, & ended my exegesis, not in defeat but in logical discovery of Him (which Satan had not foreseen). Thus intellect & knowledge on my part led to exhaustion & to destruction of that intellect & a recognition of the futility of what I was doing; I knew I knew nothing; & then God took the field & made his move that resulted in the enantiodromia that led me to hiIn anyhow, as i f I had wandered that way by chance; but it was by his plan all along. & this was an instance of the dialectic that I had seen. Finally I wind up with Y = Y; viz: Both these 2 following statements are true: 1 ) The intellect will not lead you to God. 2) The intellect will lead you to God. I am left with this paradox, which Satan did not foresee; he saw only statement ( 1 ) & did not see how God could convert it into its mirror opposite through enantiodromia. This God works & wins within the Fallen entropic creation of the disintegration " splitting" dialectic to win us one & all in the end, by different routes. Thus the cosmic game between God & his adversary continues on; here was another victory by God; & in the end God will convert the dialectic itself into its opposite (through enantiodromia ) & the game will end in God ' s victory & Satan's defeat, which God ' s victory vis-a-vis me echoes in microform. In a certain sense it can be said that God ' s victory consists in turning Satan's false creation-i. e. Satan' s lie & delusion-into the real, which i s exactly what I saw Valis doing: transmuting reality by transubstantiation into the real. Here is the secret & perpetual & ever-growing victory by God over his adversary as he (God) defeats him (Satan) again & again in the game they play-the cosmic dialectic that I saw. This is enantiodromia at its ultimate: the conversion of the irreal to the real. In my case it was the conversion of "the human intellect will not lead to God but will lead only deeper & deeper into delusion" into its mirror opposite: "The human intellect, when it has pushed to infinity, will at last, through ever deepening delusion, find God . " Thus I am saved: & know that I did not start out seeing God (2-3-74) (which led to this 6 V2 year exegesis): but, instead, wound up finding God ( 1 1- 1 7-80)-an irony that Satan did not foresee. & thus the wise mind (God) wins once again, & the game continues. But someday it will end. END

Footnote. My flight expressed by the phosphene graphics was a movement faster & faster through cosmogenicentropic time, ending in exhaustion & then the enantiodromia of entropic time-which had reached infinite velocity & infinite fragInentation ("splitting") -which is to say the dialectic into negentropic time or synthesis, reintegration: hence I saw Valis,• the universe pulled through infinity, inside out, to freeze; this was 3-74. my exegesis was entropic-cosmogenic time resuming, speeding up faster & faster, "splitting" (fragInenting) farther & farther. Finally, it, too, ended in infinite velocity & infinite fragInentation (creativity, expressed as ever newer & quicker theories); it ended in exhaustion & then the enantiodromia of entropic time-the dialectic of my thoughts-into negentropic time & another reintegration (this was 1 1- 1 7-80). Only this time I did not see Valis,* there was a theophany, & I was in the presence of God & God' s loving-kindness; whereupon He explained everything to me. So events leading up to 3-74 & my experience with Valis had a parallel in the dialectic of my exegesis leading to 1 1- 1 7 80 & the theophany of the Christian God of Love. The COmmon ingredients of the two flights were: the cosmogenic entropy "splitting" dialectic flight itself, until infinite velocity (time) & fragmentation (space) were reached, then exhaustion, then enantiodromia into negentropic time & "freeze" (reintegrational) of, so-tospeak "Prajapati",•• but then COmes a totally different outcome: * "World, not G od (as I had supposed}." 1) 3-74. Valis which i s world properly seen (morphological arrangement, growth & perfection & self completion in negentropic time, the entropic-flux-universe pulled through infinity-Leo inside out). Compared to: 2) 1 1- 1 7-80. The Christian God in theophany, who is other than world, who is transcendent. What I thought I had seen in 3-74: The summation (combining) of the two is ( 1 ) an acute knowledge of world based on 3-74 & the exegesis arising out of that experience. (2) Direct knowledge of God & God's nature based on the above elements; so that 3-74 led to the exegesis, which although it was a loss of negentropic, integrative time & a resumption of cosmogenic-entropic time, did lead (due to the infinite speeding up of time & the infinite breaking down of space until exhaustion set in) to the theophany I had supposed I had already had. Now it is possible to see how the Mary Jane * fitted in; it added the final push to the dialectic in me, my exegesis (in other words, as preceded 3-74, my thinking) so that it reached infinite speed & infinite space, exhausted itself; & again, as before, enantiodromia set in. This enantiodromia did not have to do with world, however, but had to do with the human intellect striving to find God-futilely. (Futilely until the last great enantiodromia occurred & God took the field to block the dialectic of my thinking himself, & thus revealed himself. So there is a striking parallel-a logical, structural parallel-between 3-74 & 1 1- 1 7-80, but in another, more profound respect the two are mirror oppositessince the first is a vision of world (which I thought was God, yet it was not, & so it yielded no knowledge directly about God, but only inferential knowledge that h e existed & that h e had saved me-in pronoia foreknowledge) & the second is a genuine theophany. When one realizes that world & God are wholly other to each other (Satan rules world) then this mirroropposite situation can be appreciated. Let me add, too, that total revelation about world does not yield knowledge of God. God entered when 1 became aware that my theorizing was carrying me into an infinite regress, which is to say, when 1 became exhausted-at which point enantiodromia occurred; intellect had proven futile & yet, paradoxically, it had led to Godbut due to God's volitional initiative. His (as 1 call it) taking the field, which is an inbreaking by the divine. The circumstances under which the theophany occurred (I gave up on the exegesis & kicked back & massively turned on) are not capricious causes but follow the logic of the dialectic along several axes. This shows the hauntingly eerie paradoxical (almost seemingly whimsical or playful) nature of enlightenment: it comes to you only when you cease to pursue it. When you totally & finally give up. Another way of putting this is to say that the answer lies in the least likely place, where you are least likely to look. This is what gave rise to Zen. Yet, emerging from this maze of paradox & mirror opposites, of seeming, of infinite change, here, finally, is the answer 1 sought, the goal 1 sought. & it is where 1 started from back in high school in my physics final when 1 prayed to God, the Christian God-who was always there, leading me to him.

My guess in "VR"*-that it was YHWH, was correct. But it wasn't a guess; it was what the AI voice told me. Always, faintly & distantly but clearly, the AI voice pointed the way to the truth. It knew the answer from the beginning, & spoke in the spirit of God (Ruah) . Through it I figured out that Valis was not God but reality perturbed by God. I knew, then, that I had not found God after all. My great discovery, then, was not in knowing what I had found, but facing the fact of what I had not found-the very thing I was searching for. Ironies abound. But the playfulness ended in infinity, exhaustion & the great reversal. The God was reached, & the journey did not begin in 1 9 74. It began in high school during that physics test when I first heard the AI voice. 35 years!

11/24/80 The arguments for Valis being the Cosmic Christ are not conclusive but they are compelling. I call my own attention to the typed pages of 11-16-80 which preceeded by only a short while the theophany of 11-17-80. They were in fact the last thing I wrote before the theophany.

1/7/81 back to resorption, Brahman

708 (seems to be before 11/17)

But most of all: breath. The pattern in the iron filings: that is it breath to weeds: field to iron filings. It is the stirring in the weeds, the pattern (structure: as with Pythagoras. Field. Arrangement. It is not substantial; it is nothing (but a field). And the AI voice -- very faintly -- arranging my thoughts! Absolutely it is a field, as in quantum mechanics. Not the iron filings, but the pattern.

I can visualize it very clearly – visualize Valis. set-ground reversal. The not-is is Valis. the is is not. It is normally a weak field, too weak to be detected. Only under exceptional circumstances does it intensify to cause a perceptible perturbation (3-74). Paradoxically, though it is weak it is irresistible. Why, this is the Tao! This is how the Tao works! (vide the “tao te ching.”) Weak and -- everywhere.(“UBIK”!)

If all reality (universe) is a (one) field, it (Tao) need set up a tiny perturbation at one space time, and ultimately the whole field will be affected, by inducing an enantiodromia of the whole field! through a chain of mounting flip-flops!

I finally understand. This is what is meant by "a perturbation in the reality field." One tiny tug sets a sequence of mounting, growing changes in motion, ending in massive (total?) Enantiodromia: victory. Over world. Since all reality is one field the effects of the initial perturbation and only when the final enantiodromia occurs, and all the "counters" flip over to their opposites. ' This is what MITHC” is about, and deliberately so. But: the real secret is:

Something NEW (although tiny, bordering on ex nihilo, on nothing, yet something) is introduced into an otherwise closed system. My example? My act vis-à-vis the xerox missive. As a result the entire closed system is affected throughout.

709 then there is no doubt that I did indeed encounter deity and the workings of deity, and am in an unique position to know something about -- if not deity directly -- than the way deity affects reality. How it relates to the world order and acts on it. And I better understand 3-74 and especially my "dissociated" action vis-à-vis the xerox letter, and why when I saw Valis I saw unitary reality and "pretextual cause" and especially the "tug"; it was all in the tug that the heart of everything lies! Which was for me just a week ago my surd! Had I been content to leave that surd unaccounted for -- what would I have had?

710

I can now simplify my vast philosophical synchretistic overview in say: in 3-74 I encounter deity and it seems to be -- it acts like the Tao. It introduces some tiny X. Nilo event into the vast closed reality field ("a perturbation in the reality field") and since the reality field, large as it is, is unitary and closed, this very week, small new event introduced at exactly the right place and time sets off a mounting chain of growing events until the whole field is affected and massive enantiodromia occurs. This is not pantheism; God (Tao) is a world but, on the contrary, acts on world-as--field from outside, perturbing it. This answers the question that has always perplexed me, the "why me?" Question; I mean, why am I so important (the Elijah syndrome)? The answer is, I am not important. But I constituted a critical weak point in the interaction within the total reality field where the ex nihilo something new could -- and should -- have been introduced (this is continual creation!!!). So there was a higher off in me or epiphany or theophany! And Valis is deity (most easily identified as Tao), warping space-time to set up a different "shortest distance between two points," so that it was easiest for reality to move along the line it did move, but, without the intervention, would have not.

712

the fact that I wound up with Valis as a surd when I finished my first "complete" or "successful" overview shows how scrupulous I was. It would have to be left over. Deity can’t be fitted into a theoretical system; it is irreducible and stands alone. But at least that way I could focus on it as isolated -- which paved the way for my total overview in which this surd was included but only as "the absolute," leading finally to my ferociously close scrutiny of it in total isolation (from my own mind and from the reality field as well). I realized that it came into existence literally out of nothing, was pure arrangement and not the things arranged (acted upon). I visualized (conceived of) it as a breath on the weeds of the alley -- then connected it to the "heroic act that causes genuine newness" to enter the world; then, realizing that it is weak but irresistible, I saw it as the Tao and hence saw its relationship to the dialectic and mounting chains of events culminating in macroenantiodromia: the purpose of it "breathing" on the "weeds in the alley." Which shows total wisdom on its part!

722

well, my perception of 3-74 is that I encountered something outside of me; and my recent theory is that it came into existence out of nothing -- at least in terms of our reality field.

764

Yes, something can be irreal and yet powerful; the lie is powerful; it thrusts itself at us like a reality, but I saw in 2-74 that it isn't real.

Irreality, then, is the basic defect of the entropic old flux cosmos. There are valuable bits in it (e.g. Mozart symphonies; will use that as an example) but they are not real in that they pass away; they never are. But the meta-soma assimilates them into itself like permanent memories stored in the mind.

812

I would even be willing to argue that an experience such as mine (2-3-74) justifies the Fall in the sense of making it worth it due to the absolute joy generated by the re-collection and return. I know it was for me -- all the tearful years were not only nullified; they were overbalanced by the bliss experienced in restoration. Whether my feelings in history could rightly be projected onto the deity I don't know; but if my system is right in all respects, 2-3-74 was the deity recovering its memory and identity, and so is representative -- a sort of microcosm of the total deity's own travels, its journey (I envision deity and dynamic process undergoing unfolding stages of self-knowledge.) Perhaps this is the ultimate price of the game: self-awareness, acquired through "external" plural standpoints, of which I am one. Then I would say, it is worth it, this journey. That's my subjective opinion. So the Fall as a vast adventure, culminating in a joy that outweighs the arduousness and sorrow of the trip itself. And out of this adventure the deity knows itself more clearly, and, since (as I say) intellegere is its essence, this matter outweighs all else.

835

suddenly a smashing idea: 1) Acts is a hologram as to how reality looks in the past. Did look in the past. 2) “The second signal" is a hologram as to how reality will look people in the future. ' So I experienced (1) the past breaking through; and(2) the future breaking through; this is a total collapse of space time bringing both past and future. This fitted my subjective impression at the time. Since I have no memories of the future I didn't recognize it as such. Then Dallas, the macrometasomakosmos, “the second signal,” is from the future! Then I know what happened; I know what I did. I broke through into the next evolutionary state of the human mind, a world of info and synchronicity; it's (what I did and what I saw) has to do with quantum mechanics; the “2nd signal” is how I did it, as well as what we will see in the future. {…} The future will be all information and synchronicity a negentropy. I didn't see God; I saw world (as it will be seen by us all some day). ' So all my recent theories about meta- abstracting and morphological arrangement of the semi-reality of the spatiotemporal realm, and negentropic time versus entropic -- it's all correct, but it all has to do with world in physics, not theophany. It came as a result of my reaching out and sucking information in from the future -- about the xerox missive. In the far future, where that reality hologram will prevail, only poly modular theories will be used, which is why I can come up with one theory that fits (2-3-74) to get the information I had to go into in a causal mode, the result of which either perturbed or annihilated time.

837 oh my God! Last night after I went to bed I realized that the Prajapati myth contains the following information: creating (cosmogenesis) is not creating but is entropic; therefore the act of creating occurs naturally as part (?) Of the entropic process; the dialectic is a constant progression (infinite progression) of differentiation, of each thing splitting into two mirror opposite halves, and then they split, forever; this is multiplicity and disintegration in differentiation and is entropic and follows the line of least resistance; Prajapati did it then split further and further downward through the ascending levels of creation, "even to the ants," and that "last was exhausted"; whereupon he must reintegrate himself and came back the unity and energy lost (negentropic time). So the dialectic is entropic -- the dialectic that carries every new thought through flip-flops to infinity: this is creative (as God told me) but it is entropic! The true task, then, is not to create (cosmogenesis) but to reverse the process and regain the original unity and energy -- i.e. cosmic resorption. Therefore the universe came into existence by the line of least resistance -- i.e. entropy. Exhaustion and total differentiation equals entropy and disintegration. Loss of form (eidos). This must be reversed. So in 3-74 when I saw VALIS I had reversed it: negentropic time is the right term for cosmic resorption. And VALIS is the original unity; ACCO meta- soma cosmos is the endpoint -- well, it's being constructed in retrograde or negentropic time! I was right! We are normally in entropic -- i.e. creative -- time. So the Prajapati myth contains the key to 3-74 and is also the most profound info I have yet come across; viz: it by polarize creation and negentropy. This is why in the flux world everything is passing away as soon as it starts to be; this is entropy; this is the dialectic; this is creating. Infinite regression. Hence creation is a fall. Which holy wisdom sets out to repair, through cosmic resorption. Entropy.at the Godhead, or the Godhead fell into entropy. Or creation is the entropic side of the Godhead. Propelled along by the dialectic; but these are not growth stages. This is further disintegration in differentiation. But if a sequence passes through infinity (by the dialectic) it is turned inside out and returns to its source (enantiodromia -- the Dow; hence: negentropy as an outcome. So the only answer is to let each sequence passes through infinity, turn topologically M. inside out, and return to its source in this reversed state; the dialectic can't be halted -- infinity of the Godhead, the source; entropic time must run its course. Hence in 3-74 I saw the universe inside out, and "I am no longer blind." (The phosphene graphics was a motion to infinity by the dialectic along some axis. When it had finished, the universe for me with inside out and I saw unity, not multiplicity. I saw VALIS. That was the universe of multiplicity pulled through infinity by the entropic dialectic. (1) this is how you get out of entropic time and into negentropic (reintegrating) time: rolling the universe through infinity; so I was on the outside of it looking in. Apparently the Prajapati myth is correct: the entropic creation process does ends -- in exhaustion. The dialectic finally expends itself, and then reintegration can -- and does -- occur. Which is what I saw after I was carried by the dialectic faster and faster through entropic time. When it becomes infinitely fast in yields infinite disintegration it "freezes," as I saw, and negentropic reintegration begins -- hence VALIS. Hence repair. (1) note: VALIS is not God but world -- seen by me now as it will be seen by people in the future. (v p 835) God is transcendent and other than world; no view of world is God. ' And my phosphene graphics trip was flight due to entropy, the splitting occurring faster and faster until entropic time rose, and negentropic time and hence VALIS appeared. I exhausted entropic time and came out in a pulled through infinity reversed world, where the macrometasomakosmos is being integrated. That's why before the phosphene graphics my thoughts went faster and faster; the motor was: terror. Primal dread. The graphics were: 1 the essence of creating; 2 the essence of entropy; 3 the essence of the dialectic for the essence of the flux world itself; 5 the essence of disintegration -- until at all was finally exhausted and -- the universe was pulled inside out; the dialectic, entropy in entropic time were gone, and reintegration (enantiodromia, the final one -- eschatology -- said in). I actually traveled, like a shaman, to the end of (entropic, disintegrated, creative) time of the universe.

It's exactly what God told me yesterday 1) all infinities are (or lead two) God 2) 2) the dialectic entropic process it is infinite 3) therefore it leads (through a final enantiodromia, turning itself topologically inside out, pulling through infinity) to God (Valis) (1) but this is just I via to God. (1) but Valis is final world, not God. ' The dialectic is the perpetual splitting into two opposites with the new synthesis of opposite of the original premise; but the final enantiodromia is the dialectic itself which converts into a frozen stasis when it reaches infinite speed (time) and infinite division (space); i.e. space and time are exhausted: the dialectic ends at {infinity mark}

842

in 3-74 when I saw the second signal and VALIS I saw world from a highly advanced standpoint, but it was still world. Yesterday I, on the other hand, knew God, and he was wholly other than world and transcendent and not complex and not material and not in process. There is no dialectic in him; that has to do with time, flux, change, growth, perfection, completion; something like an organism. He is not seen by the eyes in world or as world. The Jews and Christians are correct. And he has personality, which VALIS lacked; VALIS was machinelike, computerlike, and evolving mechanism, like a clever artifact. Intricate and growing more intricate. God ist ein lieber vatter ubrem sternenzalt. I found him to be a person like myself, with personality and love and simplicity. He was not involved in world (pantheism). He manifested himself to reassure me -- it is only a little pain that we feel now here in world -- nothing compared to the bliss to come. Of which he gave me a little that I might see how it would be. And he was no foreign God but the God of my fathers, our own God. What he wills is. He simply wills it. This is simple; there is no mechanism, no complexity. VALIS is the world properly seen, as if from outside from an objective standpoint outside space and time, but still world, with all its history preserved in an advancing through its growth stages via the dialectic, it (VALIS) is, simply, reality. But that is other than God. When I saw the glint of color in the alley and the rippling of the weeds I saw the edge, the end of creation, but not the beginning of God: I saw him not. But there is nothing to see, because he is not physical. All that happens either wills (ordained) or allows.

I think 3-74 was something I did vis-à-vis world that did not involve God. In involved world in information, but it was physical. I am the doubt; God allows it but it is satanic and rebellious. It is Satan the accuser of God's handiwork, Satan in me as rebel questioning reality under the guise of epistemological inquiry. It is hubris and intellectual arrogance yet God allowed. It was -- has been -- blasphemy. World, which I questioned, came back at me in a subtle form, the subtle serpent, world as VALIS which I then took to be real, and so fell even more under its domination than any average Christian is dominated by world; VALIS is world as Satan's kingdom, subtly disguised in such a way as to fulfill my personal, individual preconceptions about God; this is why 3-74 resembled UBIK and UBIK; it was my own preconceptions and theology fed back at me to" ratify" them. This is worlds -- Satan's -- victory, this great intellectual subtlety. World as it normally appeared was not complex and elusive enough to satisfy me, so Satan obliged: with world that would satisfy me emotionally and intellectually. (And in doing so, burned me with a hell labor of this exegesis).

I have sinned in this exegesis; it is one vast edifice of hubris, of Satan in me questioning and accusing.

And I finally began to realize it; I prayed to be delivered from it. A 3-74 with some vast enantiodrornia in which I pulled reality inside-out, used up and hence froze time, saw the past (acts) and the future (the second signal) so it was a great feat. But it was still reality: epistemology and not even metaphysics, and no theology -- world rightly seen -- but not God.

7 An examination of my exegesis shows that during the last two months (Oct and Nov) I suddenly began to get real answers -- based on my breakthrough regarding meta- abstracting (as I call it) in the realization of what I call "morphological arrangement"; this led through a rapid series of insights (including the identification of VALIS and the "second signal" was the macrometasomakosmos), cosmic resorption hence entropic in negentropic time (time read either way) ending with (one 1116) identification of ballots as the cosmic Christ -- but not seen as a higher invading the lower, or rather the lower evolving into the higher. Here, I think, I was both right and wrong; it was as if I was on the lip of stabilizing an overview on Valis after years of floundering around. Repeatedly I again and again identified Valis as the cosmic Christ, that could not quite stabilizing. Then came the theophany of 1117. While it came as a surprise to me that I had it -- i.e. a second theophany -- when I look over my notes I get the distinct impression that the revelation of the nature and identity of VALIS as the Christian God follows naturally out of the successes in my exegesis of the last two months.

21

strange to say, when I look back to 11 1780 what seems to me now the most proof that it really was God is not so much the bliss that the distinct individual personality (with its intense love); the distinction is, the uniqueness, the individuality of the personality. I could then and still can't imagine what he would look like where he physically visible: an old man in a row, very old, very dignified and wise, but, most of all, loving and kind and gentle (yet firm, very firm) -- but not as he is usually pictured, not a patriarch in the usual sense, more, perhaps, like a magician in contrast, though, to (say) and off; much darker: gray and brown and black, in shadow, yes: in shadow, like Michelangelo painted him in his creating {?}, yet not so, but close to it. Not heroic, as Michelangelo painted him, and not Hebrew. More supernatural. Really sort of physical, not "spiritual." Yes: physical and supernatural, not a king or patriarch, all dark. Like a druid or humanist: learning. Not classical. Like a tree or a scholar. I know: like a book {underlined 3 times} . Hence made of parchment, tree, branches, paper, cloth.

He was not a type, like "the wise old King," not an archetype, not like a statue; he was an individual, not man but a given specific man (in contrast to sort of platonic eidos). It was as if the universe had been created by one given specific individual man.

Book. Rove. Three. Great. Brown. Art shades and fabric. There was nothing generic about him. No so to speak DNA. No latency; all was actualized and distinct. As if you have gone from the physical, material realm of specifics to the platonic archetypal -- and then back to the specific man! Like a complete circle. Strange. He was like all ontogeny!

As if the wise old scholar, a stage, had conjured up creation, not God as we normally think of him, but a scholar of love and tenderness, but a vast learning. Again I see a book.

24

it is a good thing that earlier in my exegesis I realized that I had a surd left over, because that's surd is the God I experienced in 11 1780; viz.: when "perturbed" world was completely analyzed, there was something left over that was not world (the glint and riffling the weeds of the alley, the glyphs of God)

Word Doc of Notes

Last edit over 4 years ago by Max

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the Acts material in "Tears"+ due to Thomas being not merely a co-inhabiting personality in my head but the master personality. Regarding "Tears", it is not that in it, in the [future] world depicted, Acts material has been inserted. No - on the contrary: that future, fictional world, on closer, informed scrutiny, turns out to be the world of Acts. To know this you must of course be familiar with Acts, which I was not when I (sic) wrote it + reread it. This is the paradigm. This shows how it can be done - by "it" I mean a modern society that nonetheless is really, latently a time + place from the distant past. Or do I mean "resembles" rather than "is"? No, I mean is, this is the miracle + mystery. "Resembles" poses no problem. What I saw in 3-74 was Acts; what I flashed on as so in 2-74 was Acts. "This is what is", I realized in 2-74, + this is what I saw in 3-74, + later was shown in "Tears" by Father Rasch. This is what broke through (see p.6): first in my writing in 1970, then realized as so in 2-74 upon seeing the Golden Fish, + then seen externally in 3-74 with Thomas internally surfacing as a personality analog. The writing in '70 + the world in 3-74 broke through because of Thomas in me.

Last edit 23 days ago by Max
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