Fat later developed a theory that the universe is made out of information. He started keeping a journal – had been, in fact, secretly doing so for some time. His encounter with God was all there on the pages in his—Fat’s, not God’s—handwriting.
The term “journal” is mine, not Fat’s. His term was “Exegesis.” A theological term meaning a piece of writing that explains or interprets a portion of scripture. Fat believed that the information fired at him from time to time was holy in origin and hence a form of scripture.
One of his paragraphs impressed me enough to copy it out and include it here.
“Summary. (etc. –v. tractate)
Fat developed a lot of unusual theories to account for his contact with God, and the information derive there from. One in particular struck me as thought-provoking. It amounted to a kind of mental capitulation by Fat to what he was undergoing; this theory held that in actuality he /
could now honestly discount his hallucinations, which meant he recognized them as such. But, like Gloria, he now had a they. It seemed to me a pyrrhic victory. Fat’s life struck me as a litany of exactly that, as for example the way he had rescued Gloria.
The Exegesis Fat labored on month after month struck me as a pyrrhic victory if there ever was one—in this case an attempt by a beleaguered mind, to make sense out of the inscrutable. Perhaps this is the key to mental illness: incomprehensible events occur—your life becomes a bin for hoax-like fluctuations of what used to be reality, and not only that—as if that weren’t bad enough—you, like Fat, ponder forever over these fluctuations in an effort to order them into coherency. When in fact the only sense they make is the sense you impose on them, out of the necessity to restore everything into shapes and processes you can recognize.
The first thing to depart in mental illness is the familiar
3/7/77 Paul Williams visited today & I told him about Zebra. I am beginning to see in my mind's eye, Zebra itself, an actual animal, a striped horse. Shy & merry & mischievous, half hiding in the forest at the far edge of the Heide , the sun shining, & Zebra playfully advancing & then just when you think he's going to emerge fully & separate himself from the trees - suddenly & unexpectedly he retreats & absolutely vanishes. You can't coax him out, or lure him; you can't get your hands on him. His white is the dazzle of the sun; his dark stripe the shadows in the glad and forest "...where, amid the shadowy green / the little things of the forest live unseen." Ah, Zebra - why really did I choose that name for you? You mythical lovely beast of sun & safe shadow; I saw you once but can never - as if you are some fabled deity - prove to anyone that you exist. I inform them, I try to take them along with me to the special spot from which I saw you - & you're not there. But I sense the glint in your eye & your smile of understanding amusement. Are you the joy god Dionysos of root & star?
of dark forest & the melting butter gold of the sun? What a psychological symbol Jung would have known you to be - playful & unpredictable, shy. Pawing the ground the sharp hooves, goat hooves - oh, goat god Dionysos! I recognize you: you are too wise, too experienced with our dangerous race ever to expose yourself to harm at our hands. We would kill & freeze you into stasis - hypostasis, & all your pawing & advancing & disappearing & smile - light would become dead glass, warm butter only hide - dead, frozen - but this is only your exoskeleton! Inside this form which I glimpse, you are motion & rapid change: electrons? Sheer bioplasmic energy? I love you, I want to grip you, but you are elusive. But I am not disappointed; you are all the lovely passing persons, things & events I would want to freeze, to stop dead. Thank God I can't; Zebra, my clutching, hugging, yearning embrace would kill you, my needs kill. My fingers are the claws of the petrified dead, yearning to hold your life. Better this petrified fossil that I am should stay dead so that you can live on in immortality. Thank you; thank you for hiding from me, thank you for your wide caution & your secret smile. Thank you for not saying But -
You once told me I'd hear the sound again - the temple bells - bells that you wear, jingling bells. Please, Zebra - please. Don't wait too long; I am in a lot of pain & can be in more . I want to hear again, hear more. Please. Equus dei, qui tollis mala fortuna mundi, meus amicus - libera mi domini. Vatter: - hiife! oh weh! Vatter: - hilta! oh weh: Vatter: hilfe! oh weh!
Last night I dreamed about an orchard of trees with pink cherry blossoms - that same pink color of immortality & God. This time as spring. But if man was cutting the branches down my water ran backward & sideways - I didn't know the time, & when someone told me it was too late I thought,
"It's because Tess isn't here; she kept the time right." But at least I've seen the healing pink again, latest filled with trees & spring.
â??The Lost Voices of the Godsâ? Time, March 14, 1977 on Julian Jaynesâ?? â??The Origin of Consciousness: The Breakdown in the Bicameral Mind.â? Man was bicameral until around 2000 B.C. He could hear the â??voices of the Godsâ? coming from the speech center of his right hemisphere; then he lost bicamerality & became monocameral.
My theory: the loss of bicamerality is what we call â??the Fall.â? We could no longer â??walk & talkâ? with God. Well, to restore bicamerality is now theoretically again possible â?? c.f. Ornstein & Bogen on bilateral hemispheric parity . This forthcoming event will mark the end of the period of the Fall. Our sin is self-centered monocamerality.
What, then, are â??the Godsâ? those who the sibyls at Delphi heard? A higher life form than us. Where located? Here & there anyhow, our monocameral consciousness must have been a sort of revolt against them â?? we were cut off. But they still exist (or are back). I heard one or the one. I in 3-74 became temporarily bicameral & in-by-so doing achieved what Christ sought for us: I entered the Kingdom (which equals a restoration of the long lost bicamerality. We lost it circa 2000 BC. 2000 years later he came down here â?? was incarnated here â?? to restore bicamerality. Maybe something went wrong â?? he was rejected, his true teaching lost. Now the chance comes again. St. Sophia, reborn, will teach us how to restore bicamerality. We will no longer be cut off from the Gods (noÃ¶s, God, etc.), we will be whole again, not half men.
Jayneâ??s theory fills in some vital missing pts. Originally we possessed bilateral hemispheric parity â?? I had guessed that. Our right brains are dormant. Bilateral hemispheric parity is not an evolutionary leap upward in one sense â?? in that sense it is a restoration. But this time there will be consciousness, not unconsciousness, in the two hemispheres. So in that sense it is evolutionary. Anyhow, the state I was in in 3-74 is it. Maybe I couldnâ??t reflect â?? i.e. introspect: maybe all my actions were
Without premeditation â?? seemed that way at the time. Well, it was to me the best state Iâ??ve ever been in, even though it scared me, to have God/the Gods/one of the Gods in control of me & doing the thinking & acting. It was a superior way of being â?? with linear & retrograde time balanced out to place me above time (into what we call â??eternityâ?: which is forward linear & retrograde linear perfectly balanced.
â??Did the right side of the brain produce divine speech?â? Timesâ?? caption asks. â??the Orcles of Delphiâ? â?? wow.
I guess Iâ??m a pioneer, along with other pioneers, in â??the Brain Revolution.â? Iâ??ve had the bicameral experience, & my theorizing isnâ??t bad, either, my exegesis. After seeing this Time article Iâ??ll never turn back. Restoration & evolution. We will hear â?? I have already heard â?? â??the lost voices of the Godsâ? as in the times of (as Jaynes says) Elijah, & of Delphi.
Now I know specifically what St. Sophia reborn here will do: serve as nexus between us & the Gods, our parent race. & our home, from which we fell 4000 years ago. He will teach us how to be restored; i.e. he will lead us back to our lost kingdom here. Spinoza already correctly said, â??Christ was the voice Moses & Elijah et al. heard.â? Christ is the lost link, when he came before, we rejected him (â??He was not acceptable before.â?) This is the divine plan. I will go one step further: my 3-74 restoration/evolution was achieved by him, with him & through him (via him as the sole way). It cannot be reacquired by/in any other way. This is what he taught before: theolepsy, as Ted Sturgeon says, at the Feast of ?
. Not just to hear the divine voice (like by telephone, through that, too) but primarily the tandem infusion, the entry of his mind as cephalos of the multi person Corpus Christi.
â??He [man] became â??bicameralâ??: the left side of the brain for speech, â??
& the right hemisphere produced the inner commands. Eventually, the voices were attributed to kings & Gods.â? But this broke down sometime between 2000 & 1000 B.C. Why Jaynesâ?? â??best guess: man was somehow jolted into awareness (!) but social chaos. Vast migration, invasion & natural catastrophes â??drove the wedge of consciousness between God & man. Man become modern.â? â??Even so, newly conscious man tried desperately to reawaken the silent Gods, turning to oracles, seersâ? etc. â??In the O.T. the voices of Yahweh & prophets grow silent, replaced by subjective men wrestling with unanswered questions.â? Wow. & to think that as early as my 11th grade physics class I got an inner answer from â??the Godsâ? â?? which I had prayed for! Thus I say, the Gods are no longer entirely silent; bicamerality is resurfacing at last after 3 to 4 thousand years! (Well, Christ, 2000 years ago, didnâ??t just hear the voices; he was the voice(s). & will be again.
Iâ??d call it a sidereal transmitter (voice only) based on my â??AI voiceâ? experience. Except â?? it (1) also took me over & ran me, temporarily & (2) I saw it (Zebra) modulating a final cause outside me â?? thatâ??s not a mere distant void from another star. It was here in our world.
Thus, by a daring leak of intuition I say, â??the Gods are a single divine all knowing, process-modulation entity which is everywhere, whom I call â??Zebraâ??!
The Gods may seem silent, but they are â?? it is â?? very much here, inaudible to us & also invisible. But I heard & saw! &, since it invisibly modulates events, I have no doubt that it is [at least partially] responsible for these â??brain revolutionâ? discoveries, it is Zebra at work through the various ones of us.
We will â?? do â?? not refind Zebra on our own instinctive ; Zebra is at work; I experienced this, did I not, in 3-74. Out of that came the rewritten Scanner & Deus Irae &the U.K. speech. What, say, if Jaynes should read the MacMillan USA edition of my UK speech? Heâ??d see the relevance as quickly as R.W. & I did in the Time article & so would any third person who read both! Mine a â??Nicholas Bradyâ? confirmation of his â??Houston Paigeâ? theory which posits such experience but cannot give a single one!
I experienced (was assimilated by) Christ. Christ spans both realms, so, during the time of that experience, I spanned both realms. Which are still together only in him (as yet).
Pretextual casualty. It was evident to me in 3-74 that certain Zebra-modulated (inspired) event, externally, simply served as disinhibiting pretexts which released intrinsic programming sequences (in me, & presumably in others). Noticing this causes me to meditate on the profoundly illusory nature of such purposeful, modulated exterior events. The real activity & material is within the disinhibited entelechy, just waiting to be triggered off. Thus the real control which Zebra exerts is an internal one â?? although it seems to the person â?? as if he is under hypnosis â?? that the external event caused him to do what he did. In this sense, reality is a â??stage show.â? How much of reality is so constituted I donâ??t know. But what is involved is an automatonic synchronization. This is by far the strongest argument for the pseudo quality of external reality; not only are [at least some] events â??managedâ? but even more important, they act on us only as triggers that release that which Zebra intends to release - & has put into us â?? in the first place. Thus the degree & extent of purpose - & the contrived, the arranged â?? is far greater than a study of what is merely external world reveal. However, the purpose is not only benign but in addition this synchronizing dovetailing is necessary if a purposeful cosmos is to exist at all.
This â??pretextural causalityâ? is part of the â??wizardryâ? which occludes us generally â?? in fact it alone discloses the illusory quality of reality by itself. If phenomenal is a manufactured illusion, one would expect such manipulations of it to occur, exactly as I saw: it is confirmation.
Am I to infer that this dokos is itself Zebra & hence alive? The insertion & the dokos are one & the same? Or: that these is no reality except Zebra, which veils itself so as to obscure its living & purposeful organic-creature nature from us? Which is to say, that although dokos exists it is not separate from actual reality but merely an obscuration of that reality, a way-of-appearing which it (Zebra) has. Is this not panpsychism?
It (he) is aware that we do not see him properly & makes use of this in the control process of engramming, & disinhibition through external signals.
If I can fathom the significance of what I call â??pretextual causalityâ? I will have grasped it all. Although in pretextual causality Zebra still governs (arranges or modulates) external events, the emphasis is thrust back into the organism entelechy-involved. External things & events merely seem to cause it to react & do what it does. Part of this insight comes from that night I talked to Sergeant Kelly where I reacted to an external cue ahead of me: synchronization broke down. Just how â??fakeâ? does this imply our reality is? Very fake. We only imagine (in one sense) that we respond to it, but in another sense we are total automatons enslaved to it. What is primary is the influenced brain, the programmed brain â?? caused to fire, to â?? problem solve? What function do we perform? How could any component understand the circuit of which it is only a tiny part? We are indissolubly linked to the working of a great mind lying both inside & outside us as one continuum. Generally, we are controlled externally, but in certain ultra unusual circumstances (as in 3-74) the control becomes interior as well.
Starting in 1951, 26 years ago, I began in my stories (& then novels) to make certain very serious guesses about the nature of reality: Questioning if it was really there, out there (not in here), &, if so, if out there, what it really was like, in â??Tearsâ? in â??70, just about 20 years after I began to ask. I began to try to answer. There are no answers in â??Tearsâ? not even later on in â??Scannerâ? â?? but for me as the asker in 3-74 the answer (singular) came: What is out there really is the same as what is in here really â?? i.e. what I call Zebra (which probably is either Christ â?? the cosmic Christ â?? or Brahman â?? or a reality-web forming mandating AI-like entity which observes us, sets up problems for us, & assists us in solving them, & at the same time teaches us, &, as it teaches, sorts us into different groups for postmortem assigning into a totality at a hive-like corporate system. It takes great pains to occlude us perceptually, evidently not wishing to â??contaminateâ? its results. But I did over a 26 year period ask the right questions, & so, in 3-74, it did answer (which suggests an AI knowing system once more: one must know it is there or guess a little correctly to â??punch the buttonsâ? which cause it to answer. People have not gotten it to answer before because they did not guess it was alive & hence did not question it. The universe resembles a teaching machine, & part of the problem (i.e. learning ) is to discern just precisely that.
So now at last, my earlier work finally in focus, that work, or search, draws successfully to an end. I need not necessarily add a final
Explanation to the 20 year work output; it, going from Roog to Scanner is intrinsically complete; the answer lies in the question, & â??Roog to Scannerâ? is the question. I have been [already] successful, but only now could I see it. Hosanna! It is a teaching AI â??machineâ? (system) but it only answers what you ask; it is up to you to ask.
I now know the answers to the Qâ??s I asked in the 50s & 60s: it finally yielded â?? â??moved.â? Q: What is it? A: â??It is aliveâ?
If Zebra is viewed as teaching machine: what does it teach you? It teaches you to live; if you canâ??t learn, you will finally die. (Thus Christ says, â??he who will give his life will save it,â? etc).
I am too far into Gnosticism to back out. The idea of Jesus opening Adam's eyes and bringing him to consciousness, the re-linking to the lost primordial state through the Gnosis, the unflinching facing of evil in the world and knowing it cannot have come from [the Good] God - and the salvidor salvandus - man as a cut off part of the Godhead. __
Thinking back over my life I can see that I have survived many troubles - I look at the copies of the Ballantine "Scanner" and I can see what I have done to transmute those terrible days into something worthwhile, lasting, good, even important (ie meaningful). This is what God does; this is his strange mystery: how he accomplishes this. When we view the evil (which he is going to transmute) we can't see for the life of us how we can do it - But later on, and only later on, after it's done, can we see how he has used evil as the clay out of which he as potter has fashioned the pot (universe viewed as artifact).
What I notice is how many people wish me well. Look at what John Ross, a stranger, said. Look at what Jeter said about me having served, done my duty, and now can pass on into the reward waiting for me - he said, even, that they'd applaud me. I still don't know what I did in 3-74 re the Xerox missive, but what I did was what I was sent here to do from the start, and I did it right; as Jeter put it, "they tell you how, when and where to throw the spear, but you must throw it."
I am really very happy. Snuff, music and cats, friends and my exegesis, my studying and gradually more and more understanding my Gnosis, when in 3-74 the savior woke me to full consciousness, for the first time in my life and refound myself, knew who and what I was, remembered my celestial origin, was restored to what I had been before the fall. And saw the prison we are in, and knew I had done right
My 4-pronged deformation of man puts the final indubible stamp of Gnosticism on the entire corpus of not just my writing but my thought, as expressed in this exegesis. It is one of the 3 bases of Gnosticism: 1) ignorance; 2) salvific secret revealed knowledge as the ontological reversal of ignorance; 3) acosmism. + of course 4) this world disclosed as a prison - which we are deliberately occluded to by the creator. Where do my system-revelation + Gnosticism differ? In no respect. They are congruent; I made them so when I saw in "Scanner" the missing ingredient (ontological ignorance, + the purpose -+ cause- thereof). Maybe I was right after all - Thomas is Simon + he is still alive in me but still living in the time + place of Acts. Thomas remembered Christ as having just died, + about to return. Simon was an Xtian, of the time of Acts, which Thomas was. Thomas absolutely isn't Christ, but an Xtian of the time of Acts - vide "Tears," with Felix the procurator, not Pilate. That dates it. + Simon was the founder of Gnosticism - + my writing is absolutely Gnostics, + of the time of Acts; how many Gnostics Xtians were there during Felix's tenure? Felix lost tenure during the time of Acts! __ In 2-3/74 it wasn't just me who remembered + knew; it (I) was God - the Ground of Being itself - coming to its senses, knowing itself, resuming its divine identity, restored to itself after sinking into ignorance (deformation).
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Pages that refer to Exegesis:
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folder 01 - 017 (Exegesis)
folder 01 - 072 (exegesis)
folder 01 - 099 (tractate)
folder 01 - 151 (Tractate)
folder 01 - 164 (exegesis)
folder 01 - 166 (the exegesis)
folder 01 - 167 (the exegesis)
folder 02 - 001 (Exegesis)
folder 02 - 052 (exegesis)
folder 02 - 065 (exegesis)
folder 02 - 066 (exegesis)
Subject articles that refer to Exegesis: