So I wind up knowing a lot more about world - world as we will later experience it, the world-experience of the future; + I no longer suppose that I was discerning God, + realize that I was discerning world instead; + I was at last led to God, but not by my intellect, not by Gnosis, not by myself at all; it was due to God's initiative, due to his loving-kindness; + what was proved was (once again) that all roads/ways/routes if pushed far enough lead to God. Hence (as I say) here is an example of how God the wise horn of the dialectic defeats its stupider foe inevitably in the end - this was an enantiodromia. It occurred when I realized that all that I had seen of God in 2-3-74 was a glint of color + a ripple of wind in the weeds of the alley, acting on reality; that Valis was not God but rather world ("the reality field") perturbed (from beyond creation) by God; but this did not yield knowledge of God direct, but only by inference; + that in fact 2-3-74 was not a theophany, but was a more sophisticated experience of world: creation pulled through infinity by reaching the end of (exhausting) its creative/entropic "splitting" (disintegrating; differentiating) dialectic process: entropic time converted into negentropic time. But this was still world, + Satan caused me to worship it... to fall victim to it, ensnared by it, taking it to be God; until I found that I had pushed my exegesis to infinity without result! + then I focussed
on the very infinitude of my theories + saw (recognized) this as an instance of cosmogenic entropy; +, at last exhausted, prayed for release, + God did appear to me in theophany + took the field + blocked each + all theories, + ended my exegesis, not in defeat but in logical discovery of Him (which Satan had not foreseen). Thus intellect + knowledge on my part led to exhaustion + to destruction of that intellect + a recognition of the futility of what I was doing; I knew I knew nothing; + then God took the field + made his move that resulted in the enantiodromia that led me to him anyhow, as if I had wandered that way by chance; but it was his plan all along. + this was an instance of the dialectic that I had seen.
Finally I wind up with y=y; viz:Both these 2 following statements are true: 1) The intellect will not lead you to God. 2) The intellect will lead you to God. I am left with this paradox, which Satan did not foresee; he saw only statement (1) + did not see how God could convert it into its mirror opposite through enantiodromia. Thus God works + wins within the fallen entropic creation of the disintegrating "splitting" dialectic to win vs me + all in the end, by different routes. Thus the cosmic game between God + his adversary continues on; here was another victory by God; + in the end God will convert the dialectic itself into its opposite (through enantiodromia) + the game will end + God's victory + Satan's defeat, which God's victory vis-a-vis me echoes in microform.
In a certain sense it can be said that God's victory consists in turning Satan's false creation -i.e. Satan's lie + delusion- into the real, which is exactly what I saw Valis doing; transmuting reality by transubstantiation into the real. Here is the secret + perpetual + ever-growing victory by God over his adversary as he (God) defeats him (Satan) again + again in the game they play - the cosmic dialectic that I saw. This is enantiodromia at its ultimate: the conversion of the irreal to the real. In my case it was the conversion of "the human intellect will not lead to God but will lead only deeper + deeper into delusion" into its mirror opposite: "the human intellect, when it has pushed to infinity, will at last, through ever deepening delusion, find God". Thus I am saved; + know that I did not start out seeing God (2-3-74) (which led to this 6 1/2 year exegesis), [Note] but, instead, wound up finding God (11-17-80) - an irony that Satan did not foresee. + thus the wise mind (God) wins once again, + the game continues. But someday it will end.
[Note] See separate envelope notes dated 12/10/80 p 10 passim
Footnote, My flight expressed by the phosphene graphics was a movement faster + faster through cosmogenic-entropic time, ending in exhaustion + then the enantiodromia of entropic time - which had reached infinite velocity + infinite fragmentation ("splitting") which is to say the dialectic into negentropic time or synthesis, reintegration: hence I saw Valis [Note], the universe pulled through infinity, inside out, to freeze; this was 3-74. My exegesis was entropic-cosmogenic time resuming, speeding up faster + faster, "splitting" (fragmenting) farther + farther. Finally, it, too, ended in infinite velocity + infinite fragmentation (creativity, expressed as ever newer + quicker theories); it ended in exhaustion + then the enantiodromia of entropic time -the dialectic of my thoughts- into negentropic time + another reintegration (this was 11-17-80). Only this time I did not see Valis [Note], there was a theophany, + I was in the presence of God + God's loving-kindness; whereupon He explained everything to me. So events leading up to 3-74 + my experience with Valis had a parallel in the dialectic of my exegesis leading to 11-17-80 + the theophany of the Christian God of Love. The common ingredients of the two flights were: the cosmogenic-entropy "splitting" dialectic flight itself, until infinite velocity (time) + fragmentation (space) were reached, then exhaustion, then enantiodromia into negentropic time + "freeze" (reintegration) of,
[Note] World, not God (as I had supposed)
so-to-speak "prajapati", but then comes a totally different outline: 1) 3-74. Valis which is world properly seen (morphological arrangement, growth + perfection + self completion in negentropic time, the entropic -flux- universe pulled through infinity - i.e. inside out). Compared to: 2) 11-17-80. The Christian God in theophany, who is other than world, who is transcendent. What I thought I had seen in 3-74! The summation (combining) of the two is (1) An acute knowledge of world based on 3-74 + the exegesis arising out of that experience. (2) Direct knowledge of God + God's nature based on the above elements; so that 3-74 led to the exegesis, which although it was a loss of negentropic, integrative time + a resumption of cosmogenic-entropic time, did lead (due to the infinite speeding up of time + the infinite breaking down of space until exhaustion set in) to the theophany I had supposed I had already had. Now it is possible to see how the Mary Jane fitted in; it added the final push to the dialectic in me, my exegesis (in other words as preceeded 3-74, my thinking) so that it reached infinite speed + infinite space, exhausted itself, + again as before, enantiodromia set in. This enantiodromia did not have to do with world, however, but had to do with the human intellect striving to find God - futilely. (Futilely until the last great enantiodromia occurred + God took the field to block the dialectic of my thinking himself, + thus revealed himself.)
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